obviously, i'm fine (thanks for asking, jerks), lulu is fine (i rushed home to check on her ASAP, natch), my apt is fine (sadly, i can't blame it's current state of disarray on the 'quake. instead, i'll blame it on a band of gypsies that recently came through and rustled everything i own, threw 10 pairs of my shoes in a pile by the stairs and left dirty dishes in the sink after whipping up a delicious meal of pad thai and wine. DAMN YOU, you high-class gypsies!!), and all seems to have returned to normal relatively quickly.
however, i must say that (aside from the obviously unexpected freaking EARTHQUAKE) the biggest surprise of my day was the variety of responses i got from my out-of-state friends upon hearing about the earthquake. i was 11 the last time LA had a big earthquake and didn't have any out-of-state friends at the time (is that normal or was i just super uncool when i was a pre-teen? did you all have buddies all over the USA when you were kids? omg, you totally did. damn, i wish i were popular! momma b, it's all your fault for not letting me have more pairs of DOC martins! i could've been sooooo much cooler!), so this was the first time i've talked to non-SOCAL people about the earthquake, and the first time i've heard responses from those who had never felt one before. here are the two most common reactions i got (to protect the innocent, i will not name names. you know who you are. especially one person WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED, but lives in chicago and has brown hair and whose name starts with E and made both comments... caaallled out, beyotch!):
- "omg! i want to feel an earthquake!"OK. seriously? people, let me assure you: you do not want to feel an earthquake. you don't even want to feel a little one. hell, if you're that desperate for excitement, go to six flags, close your eyes on some scary ride, and pretend that you're riding the san andreas fault. wooohooo! ride 'em, cowgirl!
- "what does an earthquake feel like?" this is a difficult question to answer, mainly because i've never felt anything similar to the entire world around you shaking all over the place. however, in the name of SCIENCE (which we all know i hold dear to my heart), i will do my best to explain. imagine that you're sitting at home, minding your own business, watching 2 girls 1 cup (side note: 2 girls 1 cup is only the second most disgusting thing i've ever seen. you wanna reaalllly gross yourself out? watch 2 girls 1 FINGER. it's some freaky asian girls doing the most foul and unladylike things one could ever imagine, and you will likely want to douse yourself in syrup and throw yourself, naked, into a pool of fire ants in order to refocus the pain elsewhere afterwards.), when all of a sudden, the ground beneath you starts to move. then, it gets really loud and everything around you starts to move too: nudie-picture books fall out of bookcases, empty bottles of booze roll off counter tops and shatter, and even your sexy bits shake (boobies and balls get all jiggly with that seismic action). if you're not on the ground floor of a building (which, of course, i was not), you get the added benefit of an awesome swaying motion so that everything around you goes up and down AND side to side! YAY! the best part is that all of this goes on for like 45 seconds!!!!! it's like the gift that keeps on giving!!!!!!! i know what i'm going to ask SANTA to put under my jew tree this jewfest!!!!
anyway, that's alllll about the earthquake. if you want more details or are still hankering to experience your very own tectonic thrust (hehehe... thrust! that sounds dirty! i'm gonna thrust my tectonics right on top of your plates, baby!!!), i suggest just shaking your head vigorously for about 15 minutes, making sure your brains get extra-addled. that ought to help the sitch!!!
stay safe, and remember: duck and cover, kiddies!
kevin connoly: i didn't actually see adrian's entourage costar, but i imagine this was due to the fact that he is a midget and was likely crushed by the next "celebrity" as she made her way into the bar, crushing bouncers like bugs and leaving only a trail of hors d'oeuvres crumbs behind her...
yes, i could only be talking about everyone's favorite non-celebrity "celebrity" giant, khloe kardashian! let's just say that she's large and in charge. my coworker and i were standing behind her "VIP" booth and were told to move - i can only imagine that khloe's completely unfounded and delusional sense of entitlement (stemming from having a marginally famous father and step-father, a marginally famous step-brother and a sister with a big ass) had something to do with our brusque treatment, but i'm getting her back now by telling y'all that she is really as unappealing in person as she seems on that train-wreck of a TV show. ugh.
soccer superstar christian renaldo arrived with a posse of totally euro-looking dudes, and he spent pretty much the entire night sitting down while beautiful women flocked to him and brought him drinks. i know this because my coworker and i camped ourselves down right in front of him as my darling P attempted to grab her balls and talk to him. by the end of the night, she'd worked her way close enough to his exclusive cabana and befriend the posse, but, alas, didn't get a chance to meet the practically-purple hottie (seriously. sunscreen. i know you're all "mediterranean" or something, christian, but i don't think humans are supposed to look like barney the friendly dino.).
michael vartan, eliza dushku, terrell ownes, jaime pressly, brittany snow, kelis, lauren conrad and lo bosworth were all there too, but i really don't care enough about them to post photos or comment. (please note that this whole "not caring" thing is mainly targeted towards LC and LO, who i really wish would just fall of the face of the planet and spend 50 years orbiting the earth before being deflected by a meteor and sent directly into the center of the sun, which will immediately spit them out in disgust, saying, "you call that a reality show? you make me sick, you phonies!").
brittny gastineau (some sort of heiress/slutwhore), caroline d'amore (an alleged "actress," but her IMDB page is pretty pathetic. sheesh, get some better roles before you come to parties next time, dumbass), shane west (a has-been actor), evan ross (an actor who can thank his mommy diana (yes, as in DIANA ROSS) for any sort of fame he might achieve) and james loney (a baseball player. EW. BASEBALL. does it really get any more boring and d-list than that?!? i'm no sports buff, but at least i'd heard of terrell owens, you loser!) rounded out the impressive guest list. i had never heard of any of these people until i read their names on the press release afterwards, soooooooooooooo i really cannot comment (um, except for all of those nasty things i said in parentheses before. sorry, celebs!! xoxo!).
overall, i had a blast rubbing elbows with all of my favorite celebs. i missed not seeing paris, nicole, linds (and samro, her lesbian lover!!!! omg will you two stop playing games and just like finally make out on a red carpet or something? i'm mean... it's the worst-kept secret i've seen since attempting to hide my own scandalous sapphic affair! sheesh!!!) or BRITNEY, but it's always fun to spend time with the "little people."******
until the next hollywood extravaganza, celebrity reporter rachel morgan, signing off!! xox!
****** please note that the term "little people" excludes khloe kardashian. although i must admit, i hope she never sees this blog, as i'm a little bit afraid of her. xo, khloe!
i think it's a pretty well-established fact that i love you. i love how you help me stalk people, i love how many fun and sassy bumper stickers you provide that i can give to my friends (whether they like it or not, but, people!!! stop taking down my bumper stickers!) and i loooooove posting 100008973240 photos of my favorite subject: me!
however, facebook, you've sunk to new lows in order to keep drawing me in. yes, i'm talking about your "compare people" application. through this delightful little thingy, i can compare my friends on a variety of topics - everything from whom i would rather kiss to most likely to succeed!!! OMG!!!! finally, an application comes along that allows me to openly judge my friends rather than making internalized comments regarding whose hair is the cutest (it's TOTALLY yours, btw. you're so cute, you!!).
but this is where is gets complicated, facebook. you see, with this incredible gift, you opened a pandora's box for me, because i can now see how people compare ME, too! lucky for my friends, i can't see who votes for me in which categories, but, facebook, you are kind enough to tabulate the votes i receive in each category for me! THANKS!! now, here are the categories in which my friends, when given the option between me and someone else, have consistently voted for me!!!
- can drink more: 100% votes (unsubstantiated claim, i think)
- more athletic: 100% votes (after all, i DID play a D1 sport in college, bitches)
- cuter: 100% votes (DAMN SKIPPY)
- more outgoing: 100% votes (ok, ok, so i'll talk to preeeetttty much anyone)
- more jealous of: 100% votes (this does not surprise me. if you don't hate me for being fabulous, you want to BE me, in all of my fabuslousness)
- braver: 100% (this actually really surprises me. i'm guessing whoever voted for me in this category has never seen me cry after getting off a roller coaster, freak out at the sight of a spider or cover my eyes for the majority of a scary movie. thanks, anyway!!)
- rather hang out with for the day: 100% (rachel morgan's availability fills up fast. if you'd like to schedule an appointment, please leave a comment and we'll try to fit you in.)
WOW!!! i mean, i always knew people liked me, but i wasn't quite so certain of my awesomeness until i saw those staggering statistics! BUT, FRIENDS, this is where the shit hits the fan. although you have kindly compared me to others in the above categories, it seems that even rachel morgan is not infallible. here are the categories in which i seem to be struggling:
- better at science: 0% (ok, ok. this is a fair assessment. i'm not sure i know the difference between DNA and RNA, but then again, i don't really care)
- more well-mannered: 0% (WTF?! ima cut you, burp in your face, wipe mud all over your carpet and never say "thank you," you stupid motherfers!)
- more likely to skip class: 0% (this is some serious BS, man. i skipped class all the time!! i'm a rebel! without a cause! i used to skip class all the time to do really bad things like write graffiti on bathroom walls and smoke cloves behind the teacher's lounge! total badass!!!)
- more fashionable: 0% (this is obviously a case of jealousy gone rampant. just because YOU can't pull together an entirely pink and purple outfit and make it match and look good, you don't gotta hate.)
- more trustworthy: 0% (OUCH, yo!)
- better hair: 0% ( i can only assume that this category was voted on by my college teammates, who knew that i considered being in the pool a suitable substitute for showering/hair washing)
- smarter: 0% (OK. SERIOUSLY. people actually voted someone else smarter than me - THREE TIMES?? it is a well-established fact that i'm smarter than most people. my teachers even wanted me to skip the 3rd grade!!! and that was an important year with like cursive and times tables and shizz! if that's not an indicator of my brilliance, i don't know what is.)
so, facebook and freinds, i want to thank you for pointing out my shortcomings! your honesty and bravery in the face of the wrath of rachel morgan truly indicates that you want to help me help myself. however, your truthful opinion demands an uncensored response:
screw you. i'm perfect.
isn't she super?! and like SO pretty?! and, as you can tell, she's a teacher, which means she's like uber smart! AND we can share fishnets!! it's like we were MFEO (that's "made for each other," for those of you who haven't seen sleepless in seattle enough times to know that).
ok, i can understand that this announcement may come as somewhat of a shock to those of you who didn't even know i was dating someone, so perhaps i ought to explain. while trolling the internet late one night, i came across this website (on a serious tip, don't click this link if you're at work, school, your gf's, or anywhere else you might be mortified if someone caught you looking at a website full of plastic vaginas), and as soon as i saw her face, it was love. i had to have her. $6,500 later, all of my dreams have come true!! i've found the PERFECT WOMAN!
i know that some of you might look at tyffanie and judge me, or some of you might think i've lost my mind, but i know that most of you are jeeeaaallloooousss of me and my hot babe. while you're sitting at home, listening to your gf ramble on and on and on and ON about like lipgloss, i'm laying in bed with that goddess, watching whatever i want on TV!! while YOU'RE being dragged to some swahili (no subtitles) black and white film noir at a crappy indie theater in the ghetto, I'M cruising around with tyffanie while everyone we pass stares enviously at her long, shiny legs and gigantic plastic boobies. sigh... it's love!!
SO, suckaaasss, save the date: 06.06.09!! of course, we're getting married on my birthday, since tyffanie thinks that it's the most magical day of the year and that only a day as blessed as the one of my birth (she maaaaayyyybe thinks i'm the messiah. maaaaaayyybbbe because i told her that...) would befit a relationship as special as ours. let me know if you want to be invited - none of tyffanie's friends or family can make it to the wedding since they live in tunisia - and, please, address all presents directly to me, as tyffanie gets uncomfortable when given gifts. she's perfect!!!
ANYWAY, the endless complaints from my devoted readers have finally shamed me into making a return to the world of blogging, and i promise that i shall be more attentive in the future. it's summer, k?! LAY OFF OF ME!
moving on. the topic of today's discussion is simple:
yes, peeps; i'm talkin about dinosaurs here. why, you might ask? WHY NOT?! i feel like, far too often, adults get caught up in the day-to-day of their lives, rather than taking a moment to stop and think about the WORLD around us. and by that, i don't mean wondering how many starbucks are within a 5 mile radius of you at all times (um i'm like practically sitting on a latte every time i leave my house, you know!??). rather, i mean: when was the last time you walked outside, looked at a tree, and imagined seeing the long graceful neck of a brontosarus gently pluck some leaves from the tallest trees? how often do you walk through a park, hear a rustle in the bushes, and instantly fear that a ferocious velocoraptor was hiding in there ready to tear you to shreds and squeeze your heart with his gigantic talons, enjoying watching the blood squirt from every aorta?!?! not nearly often enough, i say.