as you may know, i have spent the past few months dealing with the oh-so-pleasant processes of buying a condo and then throwing myself into one of the most terrifying and harrowing experiences i've ever had: remodeling a bathroom. of course, i'm excited and thrilled about the whole thing, but i've found the process extremely difficult and trying, and would have never made it without the help of my wonderful parents, who, as 20% of my readership, are doubtlessly reading this. so before i enter into my typical rant, i must thank the wonderful and fantastic and super-annoying-at-times, momma and poppa b for their many many hours of backbreaking labor and patience with my inability to successfully paint, screwdriver, take a door off its hinges, wash a window or purchase the correct light bulb.
for those of you who don't know, ninja and i met during our 1L year of law school (you know, that thing that most people go to because they want to be lawyers, yet i went to and spent a year at the beach before running for the hills, swearing to jab my eyeballs out with hot pokers if anyone ever tried to put me in a SUIT again and told me to like, LITIGATE?). i remember the first time i met ninja, as she sat outside studying with two other girls i knew. naturally, as the semi-loner i was for the first few weeks of law school, i didn't pay her much heed. i do, however, remember that she was wearing cute turquoise sandals. i should've known then that we were meant to be.
a few months into law school, ninja and i drunkenly befriended each other on the fabulous third street promenade, where we were joined by several of our classmates for a friend's birthday party. it was right around halloween, and ninja and i met a woman in a pharaoh costume. we took pictures with her! and each other! OMG! it was just sheer fucking bliss!!!!
over the course of the rest of our 1L year, ninja and i (and the fabulous ficks, her totally excellent boyfriend and another dear friend of mine!!! don't worry, buddy, i'd never forget you!!) learned that we shared several similar interests, including but not limited to: beer, eating until you can't walk, drinking beer, hearts, burritos, unicorns, shopping, sequins, buying beer, breakfast burritos, mario party, building beer towers, dance parties, pizza, getting fat, rolling around the sand like beached whales, and admittedly, a fair amount of consumption of THC (wink wink, only if it is not too incriminating? good thing i live in CA, where this kind of thing is pretty much standard procedure).
our friendship continued to flourish the summer after law school, aka the best and most worthless summer of our lives, when ficks, ninja, my ex and i were an indefatigable foursome, terrorizing the streets of malibu, dancing, singing, eating and drinking our way many really ridiculous situations, including but not limited to: window-breaking, disneyland fight-picking, trash can peeing, mid-afternoon communal passing out, and a fair amount of roommate baiting. that was four and a half years ago, and i'd just like to say one thing to you, ninj: the magic is still there.
if you've managed to read through that (only slightly) embarrassing introduction without giving up on this lovefest as little more than my pathetic attempt to secure our spots on the next season of the bad girls' club, hi! your efforts will be rewarded, because i'm going to hit you with 10 fabulous things about my BFF. enjoy!
1. she wanted to buy an entire box of lighters that had a light that shone the image of a heart and the word "love." i only let her buy seven, and she gave me one anyway :). love you, ninja!!!
2. she won't bat an eyelash, instantly saying yes when the waiter asks if we'd like another round. at noon. on a tuesday.
3. she is in love with her dog, toby, even though he is a BAD DOG who farts a lot and eats garbage. i've got a bad kitty of my own, so i can relate.
4. she loves teal! like i love pink! we're motherfucking soulmates!
5. at least 30% of our jokes to each other are about my jewiness or her asianness. we embrace our mindless stereotyping, apparently.
6. when i suggested we share a dish at a restaurant, her response was "fuck that shit i'm hungry." don't mess with a hungry ninja!!!
7. um HELLOOOOOO, she's a NINJA!!!! ok, not really. but that's her nickname and i'm pretty sure she goes by it at leas 75% of the time, which is pure awesome.
8. i don't think i've ever had so much fun with someone for so many years... and remembered so few specifics about what we did and why it was fun.... hmmmm....
9. ninja is an actual LAWYER! hot, right?
10. ninja is the best, sweetest, most loving and supportive friend a girl could ask for. she's seen me through the shittiest times of my life and she's celebrated all of my happiness alongside me. i hope to do the same for her, and look forward to the day when we're 89 years old, living in a pink-and-teal palace with the cloned offspring of toby and lulu, eating and drinking whatever the fuck we want (we will be old and won't care), wearing sequined mumus, and rocking back and forth on our unicorn rocking chairs. sounds like heaven to me :)
love you, ninj!!!! merry christmas!!!
ps: i need to add a number 11, because there's nothing i love more about our friendship than the ability to have conversations as follows:
ninja: you spelled toby's name wrong
rachel: ugh, bitch
ninja: no, YOU'RE a bitch!
rachel: no, you!!!!!
ninja: no YOU're a bitch!
ninja: love you.
i don't know about you, but that image sure-as-shit doesn't resemble any sort of thanksgiving i'm familiar with.
the past decade of thanksgivings in my family have been, more or less, drunken shit shows. there was the thanksgiving a few years ago during which my brother showed up high as a kite, causing some major drama between him and poppa b, which is actually rather standard fare for our family. then there was the thanksgiving during which i came out to my parents (as if they needed corroboration that the "BFF" whom i'd been inseparable from for the past 2 years, was in fact, my girlfriend... oh, the futile vanities of youth), causing my mother to drink an extra bottle or two of wine at dinner. of course, that thanksgiving could only be followed up with a holiday in which we were all rather hammered and i had no choice but to tell my mom i was pretty sure she was a lesbian and that i'd "gotten it" from her. that went well.
i'm certain that i'm not the only person whose thanksgivings more closely resemble the jerry springer show than the cheerfully benign images shoved down our throats every year in commercials. as such, i propose a makeover for thanksgiving and am initiating THXGIVIN 2009, a holiday which will more appropriately fit the lives of modern americans (and will go quite nicely at my family's THXGIVIN 2009, which will be spent with the family of my brother's lovely knocked-up fiancee in the middle of topanga canyon, aka hippieville USA). like whore-o-ween and santafest before it, THXGIVIN will put a commercialized, modern twist on the holiday that consumers will find a bit easier to swallow. please note that i wouldn't dare suggest any changes to the food served at thanksgiving, as it is universally agreed upon that it's the best part of this family-funtastic time in america, the land of the fat. having said that, i propose the following revisions to this awesome, totally fattening holiday:
- we need a mascot. sure, there are the standard pilgrims and turkeys that kids learn about in elementary school as being symbols of the holiday, but let's face it: when is the last time you saw a pilgrim on TV? who gives a crap about turkeys the other 364 days a year? what we need is a THXGIVIN MEERKAT. thanks to the popular discovery channel show meerkat manor, meerkats are bigger than ever in 2009. still, these adorable little critters (seriously, have you ever seen them stand up, survey the landscape and scamper off? CUTE.) haven't quite gotten the recognition they deserve. i propose that with the proper marketing, meerkats can become the next penguin (aka, america's current favorite exotic animal in 99% of new animated movies). soon, children will make macaroni meerkats in art class, moms will go crazy for meerkat jello molds, and dads will love the new meerkat parade at halftime of their favorite football game. now let's give santa a run for his money! gooooooo meerkats!
- we need some kickass tunes. this morning, en route to drop two friends off at the airport, the crisp, golden air and general buzz of activity that embodies "the holidays" filled my spirit and caused me to muse aloud, "hmmm... do you think the all-christmas-all-the-time-between-thanksgiving-and-christmas music station has started with the christmas music yet?" with an adventuresome spirit, our trio vowed to find out; soon we were thrilled to hear the tra-la-la-la-las and jingling sleighbells that filled the car with laughter and joy. ok, that sounds really cheesy, but as a christmas-loving-jew, i have to say that there's something magical about bing crosby's dulcet tones as he dreams of white christmases. therefore, THXGIVIN needs to jump on this bandwagon. in order to make this process as smooth as possible, i propose ripping off already-existing christmas songs such as: swimming through a gravy wonderland, elastic waistband rock, little drumstick boy, and randy the totally cute THXGIVIN meerkat.
- we need some sponsors. let's face it: we live in a corporate, commercialized world, where money talks and holidays are brands. what THXGIVIN needs is to cash in on this shit. how? with SPONSORS. just imagine the potential for innovative marketing and advertising campaigns: "THXGIVIN, brought to you by nike: just gobble it," or "THXGIVIN carol cds, available in happy meals at mcdonalds, a proud sponsor of THXGIVIN 2010." This brand exposure is just what this holiday needs to compete with the big dogs, halloween and christmas.
this morning, as i struggled to rouse myself from the totally bizarre dreams that have been plaguing my sleep as of late (did i really dream about the vampires from TWILIGHT and meeting them at a swim meet? can vampires even swim? did i just give some disney staffer the idea for the next hit teen TV series, BLOOD AND WATER, about a bunch of sexy vampires who have to struggle to make a name for themselves in the world of competitive swimming, despite never being able to swim outdoors??), my blackberry quietly buzzed on my bedside table, indicating yet another early-morning email waiting to be read/ignored/deleted. i stretched, rolled over, forced my eyes to focus, and grabbed my Bberry, eager to learn what kind of deals borders rewards was throwing at me, or what barbara boxer has to say about the exciting affairs of the CA democratic party (note to self: donating $$ to hillary clinton's presidential campaign will get you on a democratic email blast list for life.).
as i scrolled through the various facebook notifications and emails, i was shocked to see an email from this very bloggerific website, notifying me that ANONYMOUS had commented on my blog. "hmmmmm...." i thought to myself, "i haven't blogged in AGES! i wonder what it says?" i laughed when i read the following comment in response to my most "recent" (if you can count something from 6 months ago as recent) blog:
Why have you stopped blogging?
Did you find a new girlfriend?
well, ANONYMOUS, your efforts are appreciated, and i will respond in kind. why have i stopped blogging? god, i wish i had an acceptable answer for this other than some combination of laziness/business/preoccupation with coming up with terrible vampire-themed television shows/laziness. truthfully, i don't, so let's just accept my inconsistent-at-best bloggitude as fact and move on. secondly, no, ANONYMOUS, i have not found a new girlfriend. thanks for asking!
now that i've answered your lovely questions, ANONYMOUS, allow me to pose one to you: WHO ARE YOU? you've opened a pandora's box regarding your identity, and i've come up with the following theories as to the face behind the mask of anonymity.
- you are my dad. i'm lucky enough to have a father who is, if anything, TOO supportive of my many talents and abilities. for four years as a college athlete in a state halfway across the country, my father was at nearly every single one of my games and tournaments. his was the voice cheering the loudest, his was the face sweating the most during triple overtime, and his was the most nervous gait pacing along the back rows of natatoriums across the country. surely the same man who had sweatshirts made of "scat the cat," a construction paper kitty cat i made at the age of 4, would also check my blogs daily, hoping for some sign of life. he is also the man who, when heartbroken at the lack of activity here in world sparkleize, would passive-aggressively shame me into resuming these self-gratifying rants. well played, poppa b... well played.
- you are my ex. yes, i'm talking to you. i've got my suspicions based on your style of writing. however, the use of correct capitalization is throwing me off a bit. but then again, perhaps that was your goal? to make me second-guess my gut instinct? but you also KNOW i don't have a new gf... so why ask? again, to throw me off track? AAAAAHHHHHH damn you and your mind games!!!!!!!
- you are a total stranger and one of my many, many admirers. in which case... helllllloooooooo! we should, you know... hang out sometime... i'm footloose and fancy free... and single... and will make empty promises to be a more consistent and enthusiastic blogger if it means you will make out with me!!!!
- you are rachel maddow. this is actually the theory that makes the most sense to me. following the entry in which i professed my undying love and admiration for you, you likely discovered my blog during a sunday afternoon spent googling yourself. then, you probably read all of my posts, realized that i'm totally bomb-diggity, fell in love with me and spent hour after agonizing hour wondering how to get in touch with me. i realize i'm rather intimidating, but, rach, you're a shoo-in. no need to resort to ANONYMOUS taunting in order to get me to pay you the attention you so greatly deserve. i'm here for you, honey. anything you need, anytime. i'll even pick up blogging again, and change my name from sparkleize to R+R=TL4Eva (rachel + rachel = true love 4eva, duh).
xoxo, rachel morgan.
- the shane-over: bye bye, basketball shorts. peace out, slicked back ponytail. so long, cargo pants. the shane-over is the first indicator that a lesbian is on her way to thinking her shit doesn't stink. she ditches the trappings of "regular" lesbians, and begins to dress in a manner fitting of her self-perceived sexual prowess. in today's "are you a hipster? no, i'm just a lesbian" scene, this means wearing plaid, cool hats, funky shoes, and rocking a badass short dykecut. as lesbians revamp their wardrobe, they're suddenly transformed, and enter into the second stage of self-congratulatory shaneness...
- girlfriend? who?: little lezzie A has recently given herself a cute new look. she's rocking some great style, and, suddenly, girls who would have never given her the time of day are taking a second and third glance. the only problem? little lezzie A has been dating little lezzie B for a few years/months/whatever. but NOW, LL B is keeping LL A from "tasting the lesbian rainbow," so to speak. how is LL A supposed to get out there and mack on chicks like a 14 year old boy at summer camp with LL B being so suffocatingly present? enter step three...
- play on, playette: naturally, LL A has kicked LL B to the curb (hopefully for LL B, before LL A has cheated, which is dependant on the severity of LL A's SHANE SYNDROME). citing reasons like "i love you but i need space" or some other such BS, LL A is single and ready to mingle. with a hot look and newly discovered freedom, LL A proceeds to spread her seed all over town, making out with anything and everything with boobs. other girls may think she's hot, but LL A KNOWS she's hot... and can't be bothered with things like "feelings" when there's an endless stream of girls just begging to be taken advantage of. by now, LL A has come down with a full on case of SHANE SYNDROME.
i've witnessed this cycle countless times, with many friends/acquaintances/frenemies/exes/friends-of-friends, and i've hypothesized that SHANE SYNDROME is part of the coming out process. as we begin to explore and understand our sexuality, in many ways, we're also constantly coming to terms with who we are and who we want to be. we abandon societal "rules" about what makes a woman a woman, and we pave our own path about what it means to be a sexual being. along with this self-discovery and acceptance, comes a newfound freedom and realization that being a lesbian can be fun! we're no longer relegated to traditional sexual roles wherein only men are allowed to be virile, vag-chasing egomaniacs, and we realize, "HEY! i can do whatever i want! i am hot shit!"
stop being such a douchebag.
- change: sure, i'm kinda ripping off everyone's favorite celebutician, barack obama, but there was a shitload of changing going on in 2008! firstly and most importantly, lets talk about b-spears. OMG! what a change!! in the beginning of 2008, homegirl was a M-E-S-S!!! somehow, by the end of the year, my favorite poptart had made a full-force comeback!! she looks fab, has some rocking new tunes out (if you seek amy, anyone? (if you still don't get this song, email me and i might divulge the secret!)), and is going to be touring soon!!! yay!!! however, brit brit wasn't the only one making changes in her life... i must also discuss the changes going on in the world around us! yay for economic collapse! when i was a wee little history student, i often reflected back to the 1930s with a fond nostalgia for times of economic hardship. i frequently found myself sighing wistfully, longing for an entirely potato diet and making my own burlap clothing (i can't even write that with a straight face. ew.). well, my chances are finally here!! viva la dépression!
- celibacy: i've always had a special relationship with god (the jew god, not jesus), and in 2008, i decided to celebrate my love for yahweh (that's the jew god name. i think god smites you or something if you say this out loud, so read to yourselves, please.) by becoming a born again virgin. ok, well that's maybe not the entire truth, but either way, 2008 was all about purifying my soul (don't laugh) through the cleansing of my body. i am pure as the driven snow, and am considering joining a convent in mid-2009. i'll pray for your souls, you filthy sinners!!
- cat-ness: 2008 was a big year for the little lady in my life, lulu! she turned one, had several unsuccessful playdates (for some reason, other kitties don't like my precious little princess. they hiss and swipe at her as she tries to cuddle and purr at them - obv, they're just jealous), had a bladder infection, and decided that as the primadonna kitty she is, she needs fancy kitty litter and the most expensive ever prescription food! yet another reason she and i are perfect for each other.
- car trouble: rachel morgan had a wee little car smasheroo in 2008, which resulted in the permanent putting out to pasture of my treasured mbenz (bratty bitch car #1). whilst on the hunt for a new ride, i scooted around LA in a cute little blue bug convertible, the bumper of which was involved in a mysterious incident resulting in some super awesome scrapes that needed to be painted before the car was returned - that was fun! however, after weeks of test drives and wavering over which car to get, i found my lovely BLUE MOON, an adorable little bavarian motor works (aka bmw/bratty bitch car #2) x3, which i love. i happily drove blue moon around for a month before taking it in to service a funny noise in the engine and a malfunctioning key. naturally, while i was at the dealership, the valet backed blue moon into another car, resulting in some lovely scrapeypoos! yes, friends, that brings the total number of car oopsies to three in 2008! amazing.
- conclusion: 2008, you didn't suck. you weren't great, but i've had worse years. however, now that's its over between us, i'm happy to say....
- resolutions: i have resolved to drink coffee in 2009. lots and lots of coffee. and not just any coffee. i have resolved to be a CLASSY coffee drinker, and brew my delightful little roast in a french press (served with a splash of soymilk, and frequently iced, natch). i've already had like 4 cups today. my hands aren't shaking yet, so i'll probably have some more in a bit. if i can type coherently, i'm under-caffeinated. i've also resolved that 2009 will be the year of the cute for rachel morgan. of course, i wasn't uncute in 2008 (maybe in 1998, but that's a whole other story), but i vow to be more adorable than ever in 2009. i'm going to pee glitter and smell of candy canes! i'm going to tap dance everywhere i go, setting hearts ablaze with my indefatigable charm. watch out world, here comes the cute.
- blizzity-blogs: OK. i admit i am maybe just a scotch fickle with the sparkleize. i promise be better this year, blah blah blah, i will write daily, yadda yadda yadda, i'm going to be a blogging champ. however, i'm happy to introduce my latest blogging venture, designed to caputre the hearts and imaginations of everyone who has ever wondered, "what do lesbians do all day?" well, friends, muse no more. welcome to SPOTTED: the lesbian log, a blog which makes note of all of the lesbians i see in daily life. yep, i'm on a sapphic safari and i'm bringing you along for the ride, so grab your binoculars and lets spot some lesbos!!
there are only 359 days left in 2009, people. lets make 'em good. happy new year!!! xx