bad luck voodoo clock

as new year's eve approaches, many of us might find our minds wandering towards the topic of time a bit more frequently than throughout the rest of the year (march 6, 2009: oh shit! i have a meeting in 10 minutes! i have time to stop at starbucks, right?, vs dec 28, 2009: oh shit! i only have three days to quit smoking, lose ten pounds and learn tai chi and therefore fulfill all my new year's resolutions for 2009!). time is something that i generally try to be pretty aware of, and i've even been known to be a sliiiiiiggghhttt pain in the ass about being on time/early/way-too-early for movies, parties, concerts, events, meetings, airports (arrival and departure), dinners, weddings, etc etc.

for the past 24 hours, my mind has been slightly more pre-occupied by time than is usual for even my extremely punctual self. well, sorta... kinda...ok... actually, i've been obsessed with a clock. and not like a clock i want to BUY or anything (although that does sound very much like something i would do/say). allow me to explain:

when i moved into my last apartment, i hung this CLOCK. its a sorta-ish kinda cute-ish maybe cheap plastic target clock that i kinda liked and bought a looooooooooong time ago before finally hanging it up in the lovely apartment i shared with my dear stefario. i never really had a problem or particular affinity to the clock, but remember that i'd often hear it ticking when the room was very quiet. i never gave the ticking sound much thought other than an occasional giggle to myself about how freaked out captain hook would be, and the clock lived happily and unobtrusively on my wall for a year.

fast forward to last night. after a long day of moving and a double-dose of codeine cough syrup (did i mention i'm sickly and have strep throat? seriously, i feel like the little invalid boy in the secret garden), i struggled through the final throes of unpacking, having spent a good 45 minutes placing all like 800 pairs of my shoes onto their very own SHOE SHELVES!!! (sorry, just got really excited about the shoe shelf.) anyway, i picked up a yet-untouched box, took off the lid, and my ears were immediately assaulted by the horrendous TICKING of the clock!

i was shocked: i hadn't seen, thought about or even remotely cared about the clock in more than nine months, and suddenly, i just hated the thing. i was totally and utterly convinced that the clock (and its subsequent ticking) was evil! so i tore the clock out of the box, ripped the battery off its back and hid the repugnant thing away from me in the closet. um, at this point, i would like to point out that i had been moving all day, taken a double dose of codeine, and also later spent 5 minutes freaking out and looking for a spider in my bed that did not exist... i think i might have actually been slightly hallucinating.

anywayyy, i woke up this morning, saw the clock and slightly giggled at my cough-syrup-induced insanity, but somehow, i was still quite certain in my reserve that the clock was, if not truly "evil" per se, bad luck. i'm a big believer in following your gut, as crazy as it may be, and have therefore violently thrown the clock into the garbage! yayayayay! no more bad juju clock!!!!!!! i have decided that i need to purchase a new clock to represent a new year, and a new start for me, and i am inexplicably certain that getting rid of that clock is only going to bring good things. maybe its symbolic for like cleansing my life or some deep shit.

so i guess that this slightly literal point about time (and clocks?) and the upcoming new year is that, although the insane hooplah of a new year's eve celebration, coupled with the ridiculous pressure put on things like new year's resolutions are way too much over-hyped bullshit, the beginning of a new year is always the opportunity for a fresh start and for something new. so get rid of something that symbolizes the crap of the past, yo! buy new things for a new and totally kickass 2010!!! this will also stimulate the economy! and create new jobs! and make everyone happy in 2010!!! yaaaaaaaayyy!!!!!!

if i ever run for public office, someone please publish this blog so that people will know i've got a truly sound political mind. happy new year!!!


rub a dub dub

as you may know, i have spent the past few months dealing with the oh-so-pleasant processes of buying a condo and then throwing myself into one of the most terrifying and harrowing experiences i've ever had: remodeling a bathroom. of course, i'm excited and thrilled about the whole thing, but i've found the process extremely difficult and trying, and would have never made it without the help of my wonderful parents, who, as 20% of my readership, are doubtlessly reading this. so before i enter into my typical rant, i must thank the wonderful and fantastic and super-annoying-at-times, momma and poppa b for their many many hours of backbreaking labor and patience with my inability to successfully paint, screwdriver, take a door off its hinges, wash a window or purchase the correct light bulb.

today was moving day, and with the exception of the realization that i don't have nearly enough furniture, everything went pretty well, albeit exhausting. but throughout the day, i just wanted everyone to leave so i could finally enjoy the one moment i'd been fantasizing about for months, dreaming about for weeks, and savoring the thought of nearly endlessly... the first bath. most of you probably don't know this, but i am a serious bath enthusiast. fanatic. fiend.

as a child, i was a voracious reader, and there was nothing i loved more than reading in the bathtub (with the possible exception of writing really, really, terrible poetry/songs). i was the type of reader who wouldn't put down a book to do anything as petty as eat, sleep, talk, walk... pretty much anything... i was a really engaging child, i swear. of course, as a pretty much obsessed swimmer, i was also a big fan of being in the water, so it seems that water + book = reading in the bathtub was a natural progression for me.

i remember locking myself in the bathroom, johnny tremain tucked under my arm (poor, poor johnny and his sad crippled hand! i did a recent re-read of this book and have found that it does stand up to the test of time, johnny tremain fans!), lying in the bathtub, start reading/filling it up (HOLD PLEASE: this is a serious bath survey. am i the only person who lies naked in the bathtub while it slowly fills up? i feel like "normal" people fill it up and then get in? i guess i just like the whole process so much? i need answers!!! is this just another case of rachel-cant-tie-her-shoes-like-99%-of-the-population syndrome? thank you for participating in this very important survey!), filling the tub up to the highest level possible, reading until the water goes cold, draining and repeating. perhaps several times.

since childhood, baths, and reading in bathtubs have remained a hardcore favorite activity of mine, so when i bought the condo, i immediately knew that the 14-inch deep piece of crap they were passing off as a "bathtub" wasn't going to do. of course, my wanting a new bathtub pretty much quickly snowballed into wanting a new bathroom, then expanding the bathroom, then building a cabinet and installing doors and moving electrical boxes. so here i am, 10 weeks later, with a brand new, pretty bathroom... complete with the deepest fucking bathtub i could find.

sure, this 27 inch beauty makes the entire bathroom feel like it was specially-built for someone at least five inches taller than i am. sure, i have to make sure i don't tip over when i climb in because i have to lift my short little leg so high. who cares?!?! this tub is awesome. seriously, i splashed around like i kid!! water sloshed around and didn't even reach the top!! i can do a 360 in the middle of the tub! it took like 10 minutes to fill up because it is so awesomely deep!! this tub is big enough for two (wink wink)!

i'm a happy camper.

today's bath was bookless, but blissful. looking forward to many more, and extending invitations to come visit me!!! yay!



an ode to my BFF

this holiday season, i've decided to take stock of the things for which i'm most grateful. i've got a wonderful (albeit totally fucking crazy) family, a cool job (i like drinking and writing. that sounds like i mean i like to drink and THEN write, which would be rather hemingway-esque of me, but drunken writing is definitely not something at which i excel. i'll drunk blog for y'all sometime, and you'll be all "WOAH! who let courtney love loose on this ridiculous pink glitterblog?"), a totally VALLEYTASTIC condo, which i will eventually move into (patience is so not my forte. these past 10 weeks of waiting for my bathroom remodel to be finished have been absolute TORTURE!), and amazing, hot, talented, smart and funny friends (that's you!). moreover, i have seriously the best BFF a girl could ever ask for, so drum roll please as i introduce a blog dedicated to my one and only, the super stealth, badass motherfucker, NINJA!!!!!!!

for those of you who don't know, ninja and i met during our 1L year of law school (you know, that thing that most people go to because they want to be lawyers, yet i went to and spent a year at the beach before running for the hills, swearing to jab my eyeballs out with hot pokers if anyone ever tried to put me in a SUIT again and told me to like, LITIGATE?). i remember the first time i met ninja, as she sat outside studying with two other girls i knew. naturally, as the semi-loner i was for the first few weeks of law school, i didn't pay her much heed. i do, however, remember that she was wearing cute turquoise sandals. i should've known then that we were meant to be.

a few months into law school, ninja and i drunkenly befriended each other on the fabulous third street promenade, where we were joined by several of our classmates for a friend's birthday party. it was right around halloween, and ninja and i met a woman in a pharaoh costume. we took pictures with her! and each other! OMG! it was just sheer fucking bliss!!!!

over the course of the rest of our 1L year, ninja and i (and the fabulous ficks, her totally excellent boyfriend and another dear friend of mine!!! don't worry, buddy, i'd never forget you!!) learned that we shared several similar interests, including but not limited to: beer, eating until you can't walk, drinking beer, hearts, burritos, unicorns, shopping, sequins, buying beer, breakfast burritos, mario party, building beer towers, dance parties, pizza, getting fat, rolling around the sand like beached whales, and admittedly, a fair amount of consumption of THC (wink wink, only if it is not too incriminating? good thing i live in CA, where this kind of thing is pretty much standard procedure).

our friendship continued to flourish the summer after law school, aka the best and most worthless summer of our lives, when ficks, ninja, my ex and i were an indefatigable foursome, terrorizing the streets of malibu, dancing, singing, eating and drinking our way many really ridiculous situations, including but not limited to: window-breaking, disneyland fight-picking, trash can peeing, mid-afternoon communal passing out, and a fair amount of roommate baiting. that was four and a half years ago, and i'd just like to say one thing to you, ninj: the magic is still there.

if you've managed to read through that (only slightly) embarrassing introduction without giving up on this lovefest as little more than my pathetic attempt to secure our spots on the next season of the bad girls' club, hi! your efforts will be rewarded, because i'm going to hit you with 10 fabulous things about my BFF. enjoy!

1. she wanted to buy an entire box of lighters that had a light that shone the image of a heart and the word "love." i only let her buy seven, and she gave me one anyway :). love you, ninja!!!

2. she won't bat an eyelash, instantly saying yes when the waiter asks if we'd like another round. at noon. on a tuesday.

3. she is in love with her dog, toby, even though he is a BAD DOG who farts a lot and eats garbage. i've got a bad kitty of my own, so i can relate.

4. she loves teal! like i love pink! we're motherfucking soulmates!

5. at least 30% of our jokes to each other are about my jewiness or her asianness. we embrace our mindless stereotyping, apparently.

6. when i suggested we share a dish at a restaurant, her response was "fuck that shit i'm hungry." don't mess with a hungry ninja!!!

7. um HELLOOOOOO, she's a NINJA!!!! ok, not really. but that's her nickname and i'm pretty sure she goes by it at leas 75% of the time, which is pure awesome.

8. i don't think i've ever had so much fun with someone for so many years... and remembered so few specifics about what we did and why it was fun.... hmmmm....

9. ninja is an actual LAWYER! hot, right?

10. ninja is the best, sweetest, most loving and supportive friend a girl could ask for. she's seen me through the shittiest times of my life and she's celebrated all of my happiness alongside me. i hope to do the same for her, and look forward to the day when we're 89 years old, living in a pink-and-teal palace with the cloned offspring of toby and lulu, eating and drinking whatever the fuck we want (we will be old and won't care), wearing sequined mumus, and rocking back and forth on our unicorn rocking chairs. sounds like heaven to me :)

love you, ninj!!!! merry christmas!!!

ps: i need to add a number 11, because there's nothing i love more about our friendship than the ability to have conversations as follows:

ninja: you spelled toby's name wrong
rachel: ugh, bitch
ninja: no, YOU'RE a bitch!
rachel: no, you!!!!!
ninja: no YOU're a bitch!
rachel: BITCH!
ninja: love you.