WARNING: fasion crisis on the horizon

unless you live some miserable life in a third-world-country-sweatshop where the luxury of a car is reserved for the chrisitan missionaries who drive into your small, shithole village, throw some bibles at you in an attempt to "save your soul," and then merrily whistle off to a three course meal prepared in their charming hotel, you know that gas is freakin' ex-pen-sive-o these days. in fact, today, gas is 95 CENTS PER GALLON MORE EXPENSIVE than it was a year ago. that's a dollar per gallon, kids. that means that in 2007, you could fill up your car with gas, and still buy like a totally adorable forever 21 top (made by the aforementioned third world country resident, of course)... but in 2008, you can only get the gas. MAJOR SADFACE. i love cheap, disposable sweatshop-made clothes!

now that our nation is also facing THE GREATEST ECONOMIC CRISIS IN MODERN HISTORY (cheery sounding, isn't it?), things are just gonna get worse, y'all. sure, mommies will struggle to put delish and nutritious meals on their families' tables, companies will have massive lay-offs, and people will continue to lose their homes.... but more importantly, how the heck am i supposed to buy cute new clothes!??!?! this just, like, totally SUCKS! thankfully, i have some pretty adorable frocks that i can continue to bust out for the time being (some people, no doubt, are already missing the cute-outfit boat, instead choosing overly-trendy tops, tacky earrings, and like high-waisted jeans or something), but if this economic trend continues, we, the once-glamorous and fashionable citizens of the unites states, will soon look TERRIBLE.

i feel compelled to call upon our nation's leaders: this BAILOUT can only go so far. sure, it's supposed to save wall street and ease the mortgage crisis, but, ladies and gentlemen of congress, who's going to put cash back in our pockets so we can buy cute plaid skirts that are looking soooooo adorable this fall??? what if this backfires???? will we all be forced to shop at goodwill, and not just for soft vintage tees, but also for like jeans (ew!) and shoes (ew-yuck-disgusting!)??? will i be forced to purchase poly-blend cardigans rather than my fabrics of choice (when it comes to sweaters, at least), cashmere and merino wool??? will i have to refrain from buying yet another black dress and continue to wear one of the 7 i currently own??? OMG and don't even get me started on managing to pay for haircuts/makeup/manipedis amidst this economic meltdown!!!!

this is not a flippant issue, people! sure, it's important to ensure our economy re-stabilizes so we can all live and eat and have jobs and houses and whatnot, but we are on the verge of looking like freaking polish peasants here! it might have been ok for my bubbie to wear a bubushka and quilted skirt whilst walking across russia in like 1920 (or something like that. my family history is a little fuzzy at the moment), but it is NOT ok for her great-granddaughter to look like an impoverished (yet adorable, i'm sure) nymph, listlessly longing for a new pair of jeans! FIX THE ECONOMY, PLEASEEEE!

i've never claimed to be an expert at economics, people. but i know it's bad (i read huffpo, yo), and i know the consequences will be serious. your primary concern may not be FASHION, but it's something worth thinking about, k? this has been a public service announcement from the office of sparkle. xoxox.

OMG! rmb + lilo + samro + KS = BFFS

i do a lot of really, really, really ridiculous things, all while knowing full well that they're ridiculous: i dance the jitterbug to the latest hip hop songs, i dress my cat up in costumes she hates, i throw sarah palin parties, i announce that i'm the most popular person i know, i drag people into terrible stores, knowing full well that i have no intention of buying a 4 dollar alarm clock or a pair of socks with bugs bunny on them.... and i buy tickets to a samantha ronson concert.

of course, that's not reeeaaallly that ridiculous on the rachel morgan scale of ridiculousness (a 1 on this scale being refusing to eat fresh tomatoes, but devouring them cooked, and a 10 being pretty much my entire BSB collection), because i've heard her spin before and have actually enjoyed samro's musical stylings, but, i mean.... it's samantha ronson. as in lindsay lohan's gf, samantha ronson. as in the randomly blogging about politics samantha ronson. as in suddenly-famous-for-turning-lilo-into-lezlo samantha ronson. mmkay, so i admit it was a bit ridiculous to go out of my way to purchase said tickets, but i've got to say... it was soooooooooooo ridiculously fun. here's the scoop:

my dearest KS and i showed up at the world-famous ROXY on the sunset strip, and were immediately greeted by a sea of paparazzi, eagerly positioned outside the club as if lindsay and samantha would be strolling in the front door any moment (it is approx 500 times likelier that lilo and samro were banging in some bathroom and doing lines of coke off of each other's asses than that they would be strolling down sunset on a friday night, holding hands and eating ice cream). AND ON THAT NOTE, dudes, paparazzi are kinda scary. i mean, growing up in LA, i've seen my fair share of paps, but i must admit i was totally taken aback by the sheer quantity of creepy older men with cameras standing outside the roxy, and apparently, following these two lovebirds everywhere they go. THAT SUCKS. look what happened to brit brit!! she went straight up crazy from all of the media attention! this is not ok! save lilo and samro! be nice to the lesbians, damnit!

anywaaaaay, once KS and i escaped the throngs of paps (who were clearly attempting to photograph us, thinking we were hollywood's new "it" girls. don't worry - i put them in their place and made it explicitly clear that i am a PRIVATE PERSON and that NO MATTER HOW FAMOUS i get, i will guard my privacy FIERCELY!), we went inside to explore the scene, and quickly realized that in addition to a few extra-creepy paps who had made it inside, the club was filled with either one of two types of people: high school students, and really, truly, awful, heinous 40 year-old lesbians. ummmmmmmmm wtf, dude? now i don't like to talk shit about my own (hahahahahaahahaha... that's a bold-faced lie. i talk shit about pretty much everyone. except you... definitely not you... you're my favorite!), but, ladies: COME ON! for realz. ew. for example:

• couple Y (for yucky) is comprised of a blonde woman wearing a melon-orange checkered shirt that was probably on sale at the GAP for $9.99 in 1995, and some rather unflattering high waisted jeans. while the blonde chick was a walking, talking faux pas because she was over a decade behind any sort of fashion trend (i think the checkered shirt might have been a misguided attempt to cash in on this AMAZING plaid trend (seriously, AMAZING. i am obsessed with plaid!!!), but she was clearly failing miserably), her gf was guilty of an even greater sin: attempting to be "hip" by taking a marginally-popular look and butchering the shit out of it. like by wearing awful bedazzled jeans and an ed hardy wanna-be-style light denim jacket with "JESUS" emblazoned on the back in rhinestones. i don't think i need to explain what was wrong with that outfit.
  

anywaaaaay, back to samro and lilo. when sammy-sam finally came out to get the set started, all was good! she spun and spun and spun, and KS and i danced and danced and danced (and had a few beers along the way, natch).of course, the throngs of high school girls were pretty damn obnoxious, mainly because there is nothing worse than a teenage girl (don't hate: i used to be one, so i know. expect an upcoming blog expounding upon the horrid-ness of girls between the age of 12-18), but KS and i had a blast.

throughout her set, samro was constantly on her blackberry (as all good performers are, right?), and based on the adorable little "i'm so in love" and smitten-kitten-looking smiles that spread across her face approx every 30 seconds, i think it's a pretty safe assumption to guess that she was texting linds-linds. i'm normally pretty cynical about this whole "love" thing, but i've gotta admit it was pretty cute. AND THEN... guess who waltzes out on stage? LILO, OF COURSE! actually, it really could've been any anonymous blonde as far as i know, because she just came out... and stood there while the crowd went NUTS. at this point, i began to feel a little bad for samro, because linds TOTALLY stole the spotlight, but i imagine she's rather used to that by now.

anyway, samro came back out and continued to not address the crowd, have technical difficulties, spin some sweet jamz, and disappear backstage periodically to "do it" with her lady. it was AWESOME until i became a little whiney because my feet hurt (do not ask me why i thought high heels would be acceptable for this event) and i convinced KS that it was time to go. we walked into the sea of PAPS, still waiting outside, and poured ourselves into a cab while excitedly recapping the evening. IT WAS AWESOME!

moral of the story: ellen and portia may present a respectable, mature, loving lesbian relationship... but lilo and samro's publicity-driven, obsessive-love, drama-drama affair is waaaay more entertaining. even though they still have yet to publicly admit they're dating, i'm glad they've given up on trying to deny it (UM, HELLO... we have EYES), so i hope they sell tix to their wedding, because i am SO there. kisses!

OOPS... i did it again...

dear friends/readers/momma and poppa b/stalkers/my many, many fans:

in the words of the incredible, talented and totally awesome b-spears: "oops... i did it again... i played with your heart, got lost in the game." and yes, oh baby, baby... i've seemingly fallen off the face of the wonderful world of blogging. for this, i accept my punishment of twenty lashes with a wet noodle (what can i say? i like it rough...). but dudes, allow me to explain why i've been so MIA. i'm too popular.

yes, my sparkling personality, devastatingly good looks, and gentle disposition have combined to make me too popular for my own good. now, this over-popularity wasn't always a problem of mine; in fact, in elementary school and high school, i was averagely popular at best (i'll admit i was even verging on unpopular.... ew). however, by the time i reached the middle of my junior year of college, i had metamorphosed into the glorious, popular butterfly that i am today. i even once told JPT that i was confident that if our sorority were to hold a popularity contest, i would surely win (um, seriously, i would've. everyone loved me, and i was a total hit at all of the parties).

these days, my popularity has overtaken my life. i am constantly in demand and inundated with endless phone calls and text messages that say things like, "let's hang out tonight, rachel morgan," or, "i NEED to see you, rachel morgan," or, "please meet me for dinner, you amazing, smart, witty and gorgeous friend of mine!" amidst all of these demands, i've found myself facing a constantly booked schedule. this week alone, i've had plans with the roomie, 2 dinner obligations, met for drinks, and tonight i'm even rubbing elbows with everyone's favorite lezzies, lilo and samro. i afforded myself one solitary evening, which was spent finishing my 4th re-read of HAPTDH (thats harry potter to you who refuse to give in and just love the shit out of the greatest books ever) and weeping while my darling harry boldly marched towards death.

anywaaaay, my popularity has really made it tough to find time to blog, so please, friends, accept my apology: i'm sorry i'm so popular.

actually, i'm not sorry at all. EFF that. you're all just jealous, bitches. while you all sit at home, constantly refreshing sparkleize.blogspot.com, eagerly awaiting an update, i'm out with my cool friends doing really, really cool things like drag racing and making out in the locker room at the hop. ok, well not really, but if this was 1955, i'd be doing it because I'M SO DAMN POPULAR, and that's what all the cool kids did.

having said all that, i really, really, really will make an effort to not let all of this glorious popularity keep me from blogging. i suppose that the next time i reject my many, many, many friends' endless requests to see me, i can devote a bit of time to you, anonymous reader, and return to my blogging. i actually really like it.

anywaaaay, that's all the blogging i have time for now; i'm throwing a party tomorrow and need to resume my menu planning. sigh.... it ain't easy being this popular.

ps: how amazing is b-spear's comeback!!! we love you brit brit!