"if i wasn't pacing myself i'd be throwing up in this fucking bush right now."

momma b and i recently took a a mini-vacay to everyone's favorite bastion of sin and sex, las vegas! i went for work, and momma b decided to tag along to have some fun while i wasn't busy preparing my article for the super delish p.i.n.k. vodka (so cute!). here's a log of our adventures in vegasland.

friday, april 25

5:00 am - rachel morgan wakes up. this is not fun. it's still dark out, and for once, she is awake before lulu, the famous hair-chewing kitty.

5:05 am - rachel morgan realizes she has no choice but to get out of bed. she hops in the shower. (stop thinking about me naked, pervs.)

5:15 am - out of the shower, rachel morgan lounges on her bed for a moment, thinking that she has plenty of time.

5:20 am - rachel morgan gets out of bed and decides that it is time to pack. she packs two dresses, two pairs of tights, three pairs of shoes, a cute nightgown, three pairs of underwear, workout clothes, four headbands, two tank tops, and two purses. she will be gone for 36 hours.

5:45 am - momma b knocks on the front door. rachel morgan is wearing a towel.

6:00 am - rachel morgan is finally ready. poppa b drives rachel morgan, momma b and lulu to the airport. rachel morgan and lulu have a tearful farewell. rachel morgan loves that evil kitty.

7:00 am - rachel morgan and momma b are on the plane! momma b offers to buy rachel morgan a cocktail. rachel morgan declines, but regrets not bringing her own mini bottles of vodka.

7:10 am - rachel morgan has a moment of clarity: she is in a tin can thousands of feet above the earth. rachel morgan has a mild panic attack. she rethinks momma b's boozey offer, but decides that if the magic that keeps the tin can in the air stops working, she wants to be sober when she crashes to the earth. jesus would have wanted it that way.

8:10 am - plane lands. rachel morgan rejoices to still be alive.

8:15 am - rachel morgan and momma b stumble upon an airport slot machine. rachel morgan walks out up $3. it's all about the max bet on the triple diamond - penny slots, baby!!!

10:27 am - rachel morgan tries her luck again. looses $3 lead.

11:25 am - rachel morgan gets a little big for her britches and plays with a $20. rachel morgan looses $20.

12:00 pm -rachel morgan and momma b have lunch at todd english's olives at the bellagio. yum! they have two drinks each.

2:30 pm - rachel morgan and momma b go shopping. momma b buys them matching lingerie at frederick's of hollywood. rachel morgan wonders when her mom became dinah lohan.

3:00 pm - rachel morgan and momma b wander over to the wynn. they stop at the first bar they see and each order a drink. momma b's champagne is passable, and rachel morgan's pear martini is decent. momma b and rachel morgan are unimpressed, and vow to never step foot in the wynn again. bastards.

3:58 pm - momma b finally lets rachel morgan go into margaritaville. rachel morgan has been looking forward to this all day. they make their way to the bar, but there is only one seat available. like any good daughter would, rachel morgan lets momma b have the seat. they order a margarita and dance to jimmy buffet.

4:10 pm - rachel morgan returns from the restroom to find that the seats next to momma b are empty. when rachel morgan asks where all of the tough-looking guys went, momma b replies, "they were whiney so i beat the shit out of them. now we have their seats."

4:12 pm - rachel morgan and momma b drink a few more margs. they also befriend the fat ugly man sitting next to momma b. his name is ed, and it is his birthday. rachel morgan demands to know where his friends are, though she suspects he doesn't have any.

4:46 pm - ed shows rachel morgan his "official parrothead" business card, and rachel morgan laughs (inside. maybe.) at what a strange old man her new friend ed is. rachel morgan gives ed a birthday kiss (on the check, obv. i have super high standards).

5:19 pm - momma b tells rachel morgan to pace herself for a long night of drinking. rachel morgan responds, "if i wasn't pacing myself i'd be throwing up in the fucking bush right now."

5:30 pm - rachel morgan is in bed for a 30 minute pass out/nap.

6:30 pm - momma b and rachel morgan dine at MIX, a chic new restaurant, and order the pairings menu. that's 4 more drinks each, but rachel morgan makes momma b drink hers, as she's trying to pace herself.

9:30 pm - rachel morgan and momma b hiccup into a cab to go see LOVE at the mirage.

10:00 pm - LOVE begins. momma b begins to cry.

10:00 pm - 11:00 pm - rachel morgan and momma b dance, sing, laugh, cry and cheer throughout LOVE. the people sitting next to them look like braindead zombies and do not even crack a smile. they were NOT fun.

11:15 pm - rachel morgan and momma b weave through the mirage, draped in pink crepe paper that fell from the ceiling at the end of LOVE. momma b keeps ranting about the "boring geezers" next to her, and rachel morgan is thoroughly enjoying pretending to be a jellyfish with the crepe.

11:30 pm - rachel morgan achieves her lifelong dream of partying aboard the cleopatra's barge at caesar's palace. unfortunately, neither rachel morgan nor momma b wanted to party anymore, and the band sucked.

12:15 am - rachel morgan and momma be retire, exhausted after their big vegas adventure!

the end.