on (not in) love

maybe its the birds-and-bees BS and this whole springtime thing, but it seems that recently, everyone around me is walking around like a googley-eyed teenager, giddy with happiness and (ugh) in love. now, i'm as on board for the whole romance shebang as much as the next chick, but sometimes, it feels like i'm the only person in the world not pining away for some suitor. don't get me wrong - i'm not one of those people who becomes bitter and bitchy when single (the bitchy part is really just my general demeanor), but i'd like to take a moment to point out the following to all of you lovesick monsters blindly roaming the earth talking, thinking and dreaming about some lover:

• i get that you like him/her. i get that you REALLY like him/her. i TOTALLY GET that you want to camp down, adopt like 16 chinese babies, buy some minivans and start wearing unflattering, high-waisted mom pants. that's wonderful! i'm happy for you! but telling me 10,000 times? that may make me smash your brain with a bowling ball. of course, i'm not saying that you shouldn't tell all of your friends how happy you are - just, please, attempt to discover a new topic of conversation. maybe you need a hobby? take up knitting! learn how to make booties for the children you and mr/mrs amazing-wonderful-perfect-omgsooohot-lover will have some day! i'll listen (actually, i probably won't listen to that, either) to you talk about like pearling or whatever it that knitters do. it sounds fascinating.


• please, buy a freaking watch. i've noticed this phenomenon occurring over and over again for a couple of years, and finally, i must say something. somehow, when two people are in love, they enter the twilight zone, and time ceases to operate as it does for the rest of the world. as clocks stop ticking, these people enter the realm of what scientists call "couple time," wherein everything takes approximately six times longer than it does in the real world. for people suffering from this affliction, a task as simple as getting dressed can take up to an hour. for example: lover A tries on an outfit, discusses said outfit with lover B, then tries on a similar variation, discusses this ensemble with lover B, who then gives in to romantic urges and decides to have a quick bang-fun-fest, and finally, lover A tries on outfit number one again. by the time lover A and lover B show up wherever they're supposed to be, people are pissed (just so you know, i am perfect and on time to everything. you should all be ashamed of yourself.)


• wow, OMG, so nice to see you again, dear friend! oh, and who is that with you? of course, its your significant other! i forgot that you'd glued yourself together!! now, i know the life of conjoined twins (not "siamese," people. i've watched probably 15 specials about conjoined twins, so i feel like i know their struggle) is highly appealing (what with all of that glitz and glamour of wearing custom-made pants with 3 legs!! sooooo in right now!), but why is it that you want to become one? do you get lonely while you're in the bathroom peeing? is the thought of facing the day without your partner knowing that you had 6 pretzels at 1:23pm too much to bear? will you die if you (gasp) have dinner with a friend without schmoopsy-poo there to provide backup in case your friend suddenly and inexplicably morphs into a brain-sucking zombie?


• rachel morgan: "hey, _____, what are you doing today?" lovestruck dumbass: "oooh not too much. doing some laundry with mr/mrs incredible, then we're going to the aviary to watch the baby tawny frogmouths hatch! it's so exciting!" rachel morgan: "you like birds?" lovestruck dumbass: "yeah! mr/mrs incredible is an ornithologist, and i'm just, like, totally into birds!" rachel morgan: "but you always said you hated birds and that if you had a BB gun you'd rid the planet of the squeaky little bastards..." lovestruck dumbass: "ugh no way! i totally love birds! its the christian thing to do, you know." rachel morgan: "um, aren't you a jew?" lovestruck dumbass: "well, i used to be, i guess. mommy and daddy aren't too happy about it, but mr/mrs incredible showed me the light, and now, i'm like totally SAVED! hallejuah!" rachel morgan: "well i was calling to see if you wanted to hit up our favorite sushi place sometime this week?" lovestruck dumbass: "ew! sushsi?!? i would never be so barbaric as to eat an animal! mr/mrs incredible and i are totally going vegan!" **** this kind of crap happens ALL the time. get an idenity of your own, people.
  

these are just a few examples of the bones i have to pick with you happy-sappy, lovey-dovey people. you all suck.

ps: when i start dating again and totally do all of these things, don't rub this blog in my face too much :)