the origin of species II: sluts and hos

as some of you may know, over this past weekend, my tireless quest for knowledge led me to conduct a study about the various species of animals that roam los angeles' most famous animal playground, the playboy mansion (yes, bitches, i was totally at the playboy mansion!!!! it was super rad, fo realz). naturally, i have no interest in exploring such a sinful and hedonistic hell-den, but my devotion to studying the natural world compelled me to venture out and document this seedy establishment - all in the name of science!!! so on saturday evening, i splashed myself with some holy water, said like 13 hail marys, put on my best rosary (and push-up bra), and headed out, ready to study and document the various exotic creatures i saw!

as i headed up the mansion's driveway, i knew i was for an animal-lover's treat when i saw a sign reading, "caution: bunnies at play." YAY!!! bunnies!!!!! i love rabbits! they are so cute and soft and cuddly and i love their giant ears and twitching pink noses!!! upon viewing this sign, any doubts i had instantly faded away; i was there to observe nature in all of its wonder, and the animals awaiting me were sure to be exotic and fascinating! my fellow scientists, ADB, AB and lolo, were equally thrilled at the opportunity to see these otherworldly creatures up close, so we gleefully ventured out to the mansion's grounds for our sexy safari.

we were instantly greeted by the incessant squawking of like 10 million peacocks (although i am a student of nature, i am also all about shooting things that make annoying noises. yeah, i'm talking to you, screaming baby who lives two doors down. make one more peep and i'll shoot you in your soft spot with a BB gun. xo!), and, indeed, the showy birds roamed the lush grounds, pecked at floral centerpieces, and shat nonstop from treetops (during the course of my visit, i gathered extensive data to support the following finding: peacocks poop more than a taco-bell-and-exlax-filled britney spears).

explorers that we are, we then trudged through the foliage, where we discovered the mansion's extensive collection of monkeys! being the studied naturalist that i am, i instantly recognized the little critters as the rare beverly hills species, yellowis monkeyis. they were super cute, and after foraging for fresh fruit for hours (um, ok really, grapes and bananas were in a container next to the cage), we fed them, which was actually pretty magical - their hands and mannerisms were so human!! i couldn't help but think there was a possibility that humans and monkeys were related, but then i remembered that the earth is 2,000 years old and that god created adam and eve like, 3 days after he made the monkeys, so there's no way we could be related to them!!

after we tired of the yellowis monkeyis, we trekked to the famed grotto, a miraculously occurring natural hot-tub-pool-rock formation. as we entered, i caught my first glimpse of the bunnyous playboyica! how exciting! she was a teeny little thing, and seemed quite shy in her oversized trenchcoat, but after some gentle coaxing on my part, she told me that she would be the DJ for the evening and that she was a playboy model. she also told me that if we returned to the grotto later in the evening, we might be able to catch a glimpse of some of her species mating on the cushions at the grotto! i was instantly thrilled at the prospect and wondered if national geographic had ever caught the mating ritual of the bunnyous playboyica on film. i'd have to photograph it!!!

we left the grotto and began to explore the mansion's bathrooms, which are each equipped with showers and very clearly intended for the animals' mating purposes (honestly, there might as well have been a lube dispenser, condom rack and birth control pez mounted to the wall). we then stumbled across the mansion's gym (remember that episode where holly redecorates the gym? you wannna know why? because this entire part of the mansion looks like it has not been updated since disco was king and people went blind for 10 years and decided that orange, green and brown looked really attractive together. ummm yeah, totally heinous.) as we stood at the top of the spiral staircase leading to the gym, we were greeted by the sweet sweet sounds of animalistic passion. we decided not to interrupt the mating ceremony going on (seriously, i think someone was d-o-i-n-g-i-t, y'all!!!), but based on the noises we heard, i estimated that there was at least one peacock (cock! hahah!!!), two yellowis monkeyis, and three bunnyous playboyica making sweet sweet love beneath our feet.

we left the gym to allow nature to take it's course and returned to the grounds, where ADB spotted a fine specimen of footballia playerous, a creature the size of a bear and named charles woodson. he was surprisingly docile, despite his towering stature, and we even got close enough to take photos with the gentle giant. suddenly, i heard the distinctive call of the kendra obnoxiousata, who lives inside the mansion and had ventured out to show the peacocks to a human child (um, i don't know whose kid it was, and i certainly don't know why anyone in their right mind would entrust the life of a child in the hands of a moron like kendra). as an avid viewer of the nature documentary filmed at the mansion, "girls next door," i instantly recognized her by her mass of unwashed hair, gigantic lakers t-shirt and uggs. we cautiously observed her, careful not to scare her away, but after a few moments, she returned to the safety of her den. kendra obnoxiousata, bridget big-boobia, holly famewhoreadita and hef oldmanperviam did not emerge from their nest for the rest of the evening, which was a disappointment, since i was hoping to catch a glimpse of these rare specimens. oh well.

finally, the party got underway, and two more bunnyous playboyica appeared, this time, wearing the traditional garb of their species - the bunny suit! i observed them from afar at first (bunnies, as they are colloquially known, are notoriously skittish, obv), but soon, i cautiously approached them to photograph the exotic beauties. although one bunny was exceptionally friendly, the other (who was seriously, totally gorgeous, btw. she looked like a sluttier version of megan fox, who i imagine is also super slutty) was a megabitch bunny. i was tempted to give her a carrot, but quickly realized that she likely doesn't eat, and that her crankiness was likely due to being a snatchy ho in general.

it was then that i noticed the DJ bunnyous playboyica, who had shed her trenchcoat in favor of something a little more.... comfortable(? ridiculous? insane? sexxxxxxxy? idiotic? who the hell knows, all i want to know is where did she get that??? i need to get me one!!):

shortly thereafter, my senses were assaulted by the most unusal creature i've ever seen. i couldn't tell - was she a bunny? was she an alien inexplicably drawn to the mansion by the mating calls it continually eminates?? was she an undercover police officer trying to infiltrate a drug ring run by the monkeys and peacocks, who are clearly hardcore speedballers trying to make a buck by dealing to the neighbors' llamas and 6 year-olds????? as i studied her outfit (a black "dress" that showed enough skin to make jenna jameson blush and shoes that could only be described as disco whoreslut shoes), a fellow scientist came up to me and whispered, "is she a starrus pornographica?" by golly!! she sure was!!! as thrilled as i was to see one of her species, my excitement quadrupled (at the very least!) when she approached the two bunnyous playboyica! it was like seeing the loch ness monster give a fatty BJ to sasquatch!!! it was amazing:
after the sun set and the peacocks, monkeys and bunnyous playboyica retreated to the safety of trees, cages and rabbit holes (or other holes, maybe, in the case of the bunnies. i think any orafice would've suited them, frankly,) we listed to the smooth, smooth jamzzzzzzzzz provided by kevin eubanks (apparently he's on one of those latenight shows i don't watch. but lets start a rumor that he's a porn star and has a 6 foot long penis! that's waaaaay more fun!!) and headed to the grotto, where lolo and i had the pleasure of catching the starrus pornographica initiate her mating ritual! we entered the grotto silently, and although the starrus noticed our entry, she seemed not to mind, and continued with her ritual (ritual = free porn!!!! people normally have to PAY for this shizz, and this beyotch was giving it away for FREE!!! how sweet is that?!?!), photographing herself making out with her soon-to-be-mate. as another observer entered thr grotto, the starrus' natural instincts kicked in, and she stood, walked to the center of the grotto, and began posing for the two men taking photos. it was (hilarious. truly, truly hilarious) quite an interesting study of her species!

the rest of the evening was spent dancing, doing scientific sketches of species, drinking, scientifically observing, wearing sunglasses all night (only in the case of the starrus, who apparently has a nasty eye infection/eyeball-STD that precludes her from removing her sunglasses, even when it is pitch black outside? like, WTF, SLUT?!), and taking copious scientific notes that i plan to donate to the smithsonean one day. charles darwin, watch that dead-ass back of yours: i'm coming after you with my sweeeeet and super-scientific notes. i'm a scientist, bitches!!!!

anywaaaaaaaay, the playboy mansion was rad. hope y'all are jealous!!!! xoxo!