daddy's little whore

momma b has recently undertaken a project to digitize all of our old family photos and movies, which has been highly enjoyable for me, since there's nothing i like more than looking at pictures of myself (seriously, it has been a life-long obsession of mine. i used to spend warm summer afternoons looking through old photo albums while little brother b was running around outside, hopped up on sugar and breaking things). of course, it's also been amusing to see what momma and poppa b were like 25 years ago... momma b had some truly exceptional fashion choices, including a large librarian-like bun LITERALLY ON TOP of her head, and some reeeeeaaaallly stylish electric blue, high-waisted, elastic shorts, worn with what can only be described as hiking boots. awesome. poppa b's not escaping my commentary either, with his propensity for walking around shirtless in shorts so short that daisy duke would blush (and don't even get me started on the ponytail years. yep, i was the girl with the "hip" dad with the ponytail. until the blessed day he cut it when i was around 13, it was TRULY humiliating. thanks, pops!).

however, of all the pictures we've recently revisited, one stands out. mainly because i look like a freaking child prostitute in it. "oh, it can't be that bad," you're probably saying, or "that rachel morgan - always telling lies!" well, friends. take a gander at the photo below and pick out the one little girl who looks like she's spent the entire 6 years of her life blowing her classmates during kindergarten naptime (those little blue mats were so conducive towards preventing rugburn!):
if you picked the little lolita front and center, you're right. that mini hooker is none other than your very own rachel morgan!! now, i normally avoid putting photos of myself on my blog (mainly because psycho poppa b would have an aneurysm and claim that some obsessed fan/internet stalker/death row inmate is going to somehow find me and murder me in my sleep), but i just can't resist (and i'm confident that i'm no longer 3 feet tall, have grown teeth and tits, and am wearing enough makeup in this photo to be mistaken for a clown, and am thus, safe from any would-be serial killers). besides, this photo is ridiculously funny. look at all of the other six year olds , smiling with their half-toothed grins, thinking to themselves, "gee, i hope mommy doesn't find out i ate all of that dirt earlier!" (girl on far left) or, "i wonder how my dead bug collection is coming along?" (talking to you, back row on the left), or "i am an AMAZING ballerina!" (smug little bitch on the far right of the middle row).

but me? what does rachel morgan's face say? oooh something along the lines of: "hello there, daaaaahhhling. i've been waiting for you. i just melted some wax. it's warm and sticky... come over here so i can pour it all over your hot, steamy body." i mean, honestly - i think this is the sexiest i've ever looked in a photo! these days, whenever a camera's around i smile and i'm all like, "woohooo !!! i like to party!!" but somehow, when i was six, i was a smoldering temptress, ready to devour any man who crossed my path, and with bedroom eyes that i'd kill for 20 years later! no wonder i'm single! i reached the height of my sexual seduction at the age of 6!!!! check out the sexxxxxy:


although this radiating sexuality obviously came to me naturally, i must admit that the whore makeup doesn't help the situation. what type of sick bastard would let their little girl wear that much makeup, you might ask? only one man would be so foolishly brash: poppa b. moreover, poppa b put that much makeup on me!! ON PURPOSE!!! so, poppa b, count your lucky stars that i'm not some gutter-rat whore today, because, really, if i look this slutty at 6, i could've turned out sooooooooooooooo much worse. instead of being the smart, classy (i use that term loosely, obviously) blogger that i am today, i could have continued along this path and looked like ali lohan by 14 (aka total freaking slutwhorehookerface), lindsay lohan by 21 (coked-out vagina flasher), and dina lohan by the time i reach 40 (fake from head to toe and getting kicked out of parties for being belligerently wasted and giving hand jobs in exchange for drugs and publicity). phew! really dodged a bullet with that one!!