gobbletastic

smack dab in the middle of america's two favorite holidays, halloween (aka whore-o-ween) and christmas (aka santafest), falls thanksgiving, an antiquated and as-of-late overlooked holiday that conjures norman rockwellian images of white middle class families holding hands whilst lovingly gnawing on turkey together. in these traditional notions of what it means to give thanks, everyone is happy, satiated, charitable and content, and between mouthfuls of perfectly-prepared green bean casserole and polite please-and-thank-yous, thanksgiving is a holiday that celebrates wholesome family togetherness, preferably with two loving parents, 2.5 kids and a cute-as-hell beagle begging for scraps under the table.

i don't know about you, but that image sure-as-shit doesn't resemble any sort of thanksgiving i'm familiar with.

the past decade of thanksgivings in my family have been, more or less, drunken shit shows. there was the thanksgiving a few years ago during which my brother showed up high as a kite, causing some major drama between him and poppa b, which is actually rather standard fare for our family. then there was the thanksgiving during which i came out to my parents (as if they needed corroboration that the "BFF" whom i'd been inseparable from for the past 2 years, was in fact, my girlfriend... oh, the futile vanities of youth), causing my mother to drink an extra bottle or two of wine at dinner. of course, that thanksgiving could only be followed up with a holiday in which we were all rather hammered and i had no choice but to tell my mom i was pretty sure she was a lesbian and that i'd "gotten it" from her. that went well.

i'm certain that i'm not the only person whose thanksgivings more closely resemble the jerry springer show than the cheerfully benign images shoved down our throats every year in commercials. as such, i propose a makeover for thanksgiving and am initiating THXGIVIN 2009, a holiday which will more appropriately fit the lives of modern americans (and will go quite nicely at my family's THXGIVIN 2009, which will be spent with the family of my brother's lovely knocked-up fiancee in the middle of topanga canyon, aka hippieville USA). like whore-o-ween and santafest before it, THXGIVIN will put a commercialized, modern twist on the holiday that consumers will find a bit easier to swallow. please note that i wouldn't dare suggest any changes to the food served at thanksgiving, as it is universally agreed upon that it's the best part of this family-funtastic time in america, the land of the fat. having said that, i propose the following revisions to this awesome, totally fattening holiday:

• we need a mascot. sure, there are the standard pilgrims and turkeys that kids learn about in elementary school as being symbols of the holiday, but let's face it: when is the last time you saw a pilgrim on TV? who gives a crap about turkeys the other 364 days a year? what we need is a THXGIVIN MEERKAT. thanks to the popular discovery channel show meerkat manor, meerkats are bigger than ever in 2009. still, these adorable little critters (seriously, have you ever seen them stand up, survey the landscape and scamper off? CUTE.) haven't quite gotten the recognition they deserve. i propose that with the proper marketing, meerkats can become the next penguin (aka, america's current favorite exotic animal in 99% of new animated movies). soon, children will make macaroni meerkats in art class, moms will go crazy for meerkat jello molds, and dads will love the new meerkat parade at halftime of their favorite football game. now let's give santa a run for his money! gooooooo meerkats!
  
• we need some kickass tunes. this morning, en route to drop two friends off at the airport, the crisp, golden air and general buzz of activity that embodies "the holidays" filled my spirit and caused me to muse aloud, "hmmm... do you think the all-christmas-all-the-time-between-thanksgiving-and-christmas music station has started with the christmas music yet?" with an adventuresome spirit, our trio vowed to find out; soon we were thrilled to hear the tra-la-la-la-las and jingling sleighbells that filled the car with laughter and joy. ok, that sounds really cheesy, but as a christmas-loving-jew, i have to say that there's something magical about bing crosby's dulcet tones as he dreams of white christmases. therefore, THXGIVIN needs to jump on this bandwagon. in order to make this process as smooth as possible, i propose ripping off already-existing christmas songs such as: swimming through a gravy wonderland, elastic waistband rock, little drumstick boy, and randy the totally cute THXGIVIN meerkat.
• we need some sponsors. let's face it: we live in a corporate, commercialized world, where money talks and holidays are brands. what THXGIVIN needs is to cash in on this shit. how? with SPONSORS. just imagine the potential for innovative marketing and advertising campaigns: "THXGIVIN, brought to you by nike: just gobble it," or "THXGIVIN carol cds, available in happy meals at mcdonalds, a proud sponsor of THXGIVIN 2010." This brand exposure is just what this holiday needs to compete with the big dogs, halloween and christmas.

i am confident that making the aforementioned adjustments to this holiday will give thanksgiving that supercharged powerhouse kickassitutde it needs to reclaim its stake on the national landscape and remind the american people that, yes, there is a holiday between whore-o-ween and santafest, and no, it's not that weird 8-day thing that's just for the jews. go on, THXGIVIN, this is your moment to shine.

have a happy, fantastic, drama-free thanksgiving!! xx, rachel morgan

PS: ANONYMOUS, i miss you.

an open letter to anonymous; or more appropriately, CALLED OUT.

dear ANONYMOUS,

this morning, as i struggled to rouse myself from the totally bizarre dreams that have been plaguing my sleep as of late (did i really dream about the vampires from TWILIGHT and meeting them at a swim meet? can vampires even swim? did i just give some disney staffer the idea for the next hit teen TV series, BLOOD AND WATER, about a bunch of sexy vampires who have to struggle to make a name for themselves in the world of competitive swimming, despite never being able to swim outdoors??), my blackberry quietly buzzed on my bedside table, indicating yet another early-morning email waiting to be read/ignored/deleted. i stretched, rolled over, forced my eyes to focus, and grabbed my Bberry, eager to learn what kind of deals borders rewards was throwing at me, or what barbara boxer has to say about the exciting affairs of the CA democratic party (note to self: donating $$ to hillary clinton's presidential campaign will get you on a democratic email blast list for life.).

as i scrolled through the various facebook notifications and emails, i was shocked to see an email from this very bloggerific website, notifying me that ANONYMOUS had commented on my blog. "hmmmmm...." i thought to myself, "i haven't blogged in AGES! i wonder what it says?" i laughed when i read the following comment in response to my most "recent" (if you can count something from 6 months ago as recent) blog:

Dear Rachel,

Why have you stopped blogging?
Did you find a new girlfriend?

Sad.

well, ANONYMOUS, your efforts are appreciated, and i will respond in kind. why have i stopped blogging? god, i wish i had an acceptable answer for this other than some combination of laziness/business/preoccupation with coming up with terrible vampire-themed television shows/laziness. truthfully, i don't, so let's just accept my inconsistent-at-best bloggitude as fact and move on. secondly, no, ANONYMOUS, i have not found a new girlfriend. thanks for asking!

now that i've answered your lovely questions, ANONYMOUS, allow me to pose one to you: WHO ARE YOU? you've opened a pandora's box regarding your identity, and i've come up with the following theories as to the face behind the mask of anonymity.

• you are my dad. i'm lucky enough to have a father who is, if anything, TOO supportive of my many talents and abilities. for four years as a college athlete in a state halfway across the country, my father was at nearly every single one of my games and tournaments. his was the voice cheering the loudest, his was the face sweating the most during triple overtime, and his was the most nervous gait pacing along the back rows of natatoriums across the country. surely the same man who had sweatshirts made of "scat the cat," a construction paper kitty cat i made at the age of 4, would also check my blogs daily, hoping for some sign of life. he is also the man who, when heartbroken at the lack of activity here in world sparkleize, would passive-aggressively shame me into resuming these self-gratifying rants. well played, poppa b... well played.
• you are my ex. yes, i'm talking to you. i've got my suspicions based on your style of writing. however, the use of correct capitalization is throwing me off a bit. but then again, perhaps that was your goal? to make me second-guess my gut instinct? but you also KNOW i don't have a new gf... so why ask? again, to throw me off track? AAAAAHHHHHH damn you and your mind games!!!!!!!
  
• you are a total stranger and one of my many, many admirers. in which case... helllllloooooooo! we should, you know... hang out sometime... i'm footloose and fancy free... and single... and will make empty promises to be a more consistent and enthusiastic blogger if it means you will make out with me!!!!
• you are rachel maddow. this is actually the theory that makes the most sense to me. following the entry in which i professed my undying love and admiration for you, you likely discovered my blog during a sunday afternoon spent googling yourself. then, you probably read all of my posts, realized that i'm totally bomb-diggity, fell in love with me and spent hour after agonizing hour wondering how to get in touch with me. i realize i'm rather intimidating, but, rach, you're a shoo-in. no need to resort to ANONYMOUS taunting in order to get me to pay you the attention you so greatly deserve. i'm here for you, honey. anything you need, anytime. i'll even pick up blogging again, and change my name from sparkleize to R+R=TL4Eva (rachel + rachel = true love 4eva, duh).

these are my leading assumptions as to the identity of the ANONYMOUS commenter. as i said, i'm running with the rachel maddow theory, but if for some reason none of these are correct, well, i've got to hand it to you, ANONYMOUS... you've gotten me back in the blogosphere and piqued my interest as to your true identity. please, contact me again, ANONYMOUS. in the meantime, i toooootally promise to be a better blogger. like, when i'm not writing BLOOD AND WATER and coming up with cool vampire names like AZRAEL (the hot vampire version of michael phelps), ELEKTRA (the sexy she-vamp who falls in love with a mortal) and CROW (the evil vampire dude who is TOTALLY trying to bang elektra), i'm totally gonna be all over this lesbian blogging stuff. like, fer real.

xoxo, rachel morgan.