but this time it's different. i am LEGIT in love. i'm not playing any childish games, harboring any silly crushes or daydreaming about some half-wit i'd probably want to punch in the face if i met. i've finally discovered my soul mate....
i want to marry rachel maddow. i want to meet her, steal her from her partner of 10 years, make her fall in love with me, get a dog, pop out some babies and live happily ever after with rachel maddow. seriously. i want to get rachel and rachel monogrammed bath towels. i want to take her last name and go by rachel morgan maddow. i want to starch the collars on her shirts. i want to wake up at the crack of dawn and walk the dog while she reads the morning news and thinks of witty and insightful commentary. i want to tuck her into bed when she falls asleep reading and her glasses start to slide off the end of her nose. i want to throw fabulous dinner parties together and wow our friends with my charm and delicious food while maddow whips up a batch of dry martinis (i'll take mine dirty, thanks, honey) and explains the importance of the upcoming nigerian elections. sigh... there's a lifetime of wants when it comes to maddow.
in order to win her over, i've decided to return to the classic courting device known as a love letter. were this not electronic, i'd spray it with perfume and send it to her via carrier pigeon, but since this is 2009, i'll have to just blog it and pray that it someday meets her eyes. sigh. here goes nothing.
hi, how are you? you looked adorable last night. i really liked that bit you did about the TRAKKIES (and you look ridiculously cute in that hat, FYI). listen, you don't know me, but i just wanted to let you know that i love you. and not in the way that i love pear jelly bellys, or in the way that i love harry potter, or even the way that i love my many, many bffs (because i'm soooo popular that it's difficult to pick just one, rach). no, maddow, i am IN love with you. wow. i can't believe i put myself out there like that! i feel so vulnerable. so... naked.
i've got a great rack, maddow.
being the incredible, unbelievably smart, perfectly composed and insanely attractive woman you are, i'm certain you have your fair share of suitors. all i'm asking is that you give me a chance. i may not be a rhodes scholar, but i'm certainly no dunce, dear. i can't pretend that i'll add a lot to our conversations regarding the democratic senator from north dakota's voting record on the war in iraq, but i think you might be interested in what i have to say about britney spears' recent tour, and how that reflects americans' support for the underdog and love of a comeback kid. i think we'd actually be a good match; you could talk about foreign policy, and when things get too intense, i'll offer a little comic relief with a re-telling of how i earned quite a studious reputation on my first day of law school when i announced to my entire section, "i don't like going to class."
i don't mean to imply that you and i have no common ground, maddow. observe: you're a self-proclaimed nerd; so am i! you're into maps; a secret pastime of mine is stalking people on google street view! you're a cocktail enthusiast; um HELLO, i write for a wine and spirits magazine! you got your start in radio; i'm a burgeoning radio starlet! if these facts don't add up to compatibility, i don't know what will, rach.
i'm afraid i've said too much, darling. i guess the point it: i love you...... and i want to be on you.
i want to be on you.
rachel morgan maddow