absolut celebrity

last week, i had the great pleasure of attending the launch party for absolut vodka's newest venture, absolut los angeles. since we're on the topic of the vodka, i must mention that it's actually super delish. it's bright and flavorful and makes some excellent cocktails! and maybe it's the vodka talking, but i want you to know i love vodka.

ANYWAY, as you might imagine, this was a typical hollywood star-studded event. what sort of A-LISTERS were there, you might ask? NONE BUT THE BEST!! here's the list of celebs who were present, along with a smattering of photos (because, seriously, you don't know who most of these people are) and a mini-story/commentary for some of my faves.

adrian grenier: somehow, adrian was the "host" of this party. as i attend more and more of these hollywood shindigs, i've discovered that each has a "host," which i can only assume is the codeword for "paid to show up." adrian was not a very friendly host. he didn't check in on me to see if i was having a good time, didn't offer me any pigs in a blanket, and spent the entire time only mingling with his friends. ungracious! however, i must forgive him, as he starred in one of the greatest music videos of all time, "(you drive me) crazy," by BRITNEY!!! love her, and therefore love you, entourage dude.

kevin connoly: i didn't actually see adrian's entourage costar, but i imagine this was due to the fact that he is a midget and was likely crushed by the next "celebrity" as she made her way into the bar, crushing bouncers like bugs and leaving only a trail of hors d'oeuvres crumbs behind her...

yes, i could only be talking about everyone's favorite non-celebrity "celebrity" giant, khloe kardashian! let's just say that she's large and in charge. my coworker and i were standing behind her "VIP" booth and were told to move - i can only imagine that khloe's completely unfounded and delusional sense of entitlement (stemming from having a marginally famous father and step-father, a marginally famous step-brother and a sister with a big ass) had something to do with our brusque treatment, but i'm getting her back now by telling y'all that she is really as unappealing in person as she seems on that train-wreck of a TV show. ugh.

soccer superstar christian renaldo arrived with a posse of totally euro-looking dudes, and he spent pretty much the entire night sitting down while beautiful women flocked to him and brought him drinks. i know this because my coworker and i camped ourselves down right in front of him as my darling P attempted to grab her balls and talk to him. by the end of the night, she'd worked her way close enough to his exclusive cabana and befriend the posse, but, alas, didn't get a chance to meet the practically-purple hottie (seriously. sunscreen. i know you're all "mediterranean" or something, christian, but i don't think humans are supposed to look like barney the friendly dino.).

michael vartan, eliza dushku, terrell ownes, jaime pressly, brittany snow, kelis, lauren conrad and lo bosworth were all there too, but i really don't care enough about them to post photos or comment. (please note that this whole "not caring" thing is mainly targeted towards LC and LO, who i really wish would just fall of the face of the planet and spend 50 years orbiting the earth before being deflected by a meteor and sent directly into the center of the sun, which will immediately spit them out in disgust, saying, "you call that a reality show? you make me sick, you phonies!").

brittny gastineau (some sort of heiress/slutwhore), caroline d'amore (an alleged "actress," but her IMDB page is pretty pathetic. sheesh, get some better roles before you come to parties next time, dumbass), shane west (a has-been actor), evan ross (an actor who can thank his mommy diana (yes, as in DIANA ROSS) for any sort of fame he might achieve) and james loney (a baseball player. EW. BASEBALL. does it really get any more boring and d-list than that?!? i'm no sports buff, but at least i'd heard of terrell owens, you loser!) rounded out the impressive guest list. i had never heard of any of these people until i read their names on the press release afterwards, soooooooooooooo i really cannot comment (um, except for all of those nasty things i said in parentheses before. sorry, celebs!! xoxo!).

overall, i had a blast rubbing elbows with all of my favorite celebs. i missed not seeing paris, nicole, linds (and samro, her lesbian lover!!!! omg will you two stop playing games and just like finally make out on a red carpet or something? i'm mean... it's the worst-kept secret i've seen since attempting to hide my own scandalous sapphic affair! sheesh!!!) or BRITNEY, but it's always fun to spend time with the "little people."******

until the next hollywood extravaganza, celebrity reporter rachel morgan, signing off!! xox!

****** please note that the term "little people" excludes khloe kardashian. although i must admit, i hope she never sees this blog, as i'm a little bit afraid of her. xo, khloe!