i'm off the market!

sorry to be the bearer of bad news to all of my suitors out there, but i've got to break it to you.... i've found love, and it's incredible!!!! all my life, i've wandered the earth, searching for some sort of connection with another person, and i'm sooo happy and proud to announce... I'M GETTING MARRIED!!! it is with the greatest pleasure that i introduce you all to my new love, TYFFANIE!

isn't she super?! and like SO pretty?! and, as you can tell, she's a teacher, which means she's like uber smart! AND we can share fishnets!! it's like we were MFEO (that's "made for each other," for those of you who haven't seen sleepless in seattle enough times to know that).

ok, i can understand that this announcement may come as somewhat of a shock to those of you who didn't even know i was dating someone, so perhaps i ought to explain. while trolling the internet late one night, i came across this website (on a serious tip, don't click this link if you're at work, school, your gf's, or anywhere else you might be mortified if someone caught you looking at a website full of plastic vaginas), and as soon as i saw her face, it was love. i had to have her. $6,500 later, all of my dreams have come true!! i've found the PERFECT WOMAN!

i know that some of you might look at tyffanie and judge me, or some of you might think i've lost my mind, but i know that most of you are jeeeaaallloooousss of me and my hot babe. while you're sitting at home, listening to your gf ramble on and on and on and ON about like lipgloss, i'm laying in bed with that goddess, watching whatever i want on TV!! while YOU'RE being dragged to some swahili (no subtitles) black and white film noir at a crappy indie theater in the ghetto, I'M cruising around with tyffanie while everyone we pass stares enviously at her long, shiny legs and gigantic plastic boobies. sigh... it's love!!

SO, suckaaasss, save the date: 06.06.09!! of course, we're getting married on my birthday, since tyffanie thinks that it's the most magical day of the year and that only a day as blessed as the one of my birth (she maaaaayyyybe thinks i'm the messiah. maaaaaayyybbbe because i told her that...) would befit a relationship as special as ours. let me know if you want to be invited - none of tyffanie's friends or family can make it to the wedding since they live in tunisia - and, please, address all presents directly to me, as tyffanie gets uncomfortable when given gifts. she's perfect!!!