smack dab in the middle of america's two favorite holidays, halloween (aka whore-o-ween) and christmas (aka santafest), falls thanksgiving, an antiquated and as-of-late overlooked holiday that conjures norman rockwellian images of white middle class families holding hands whilst lovingly gnawing on turkey together. in these traditional notions of what it means to give thanks, everyone is happy, satiated, charitable and content, and between mouthfuls of perfectly-prepared green bean casserole and polite please-and-thank-yous, thanksgiving is a holiday that celebrates wholesome family togetherness, preferably with two loving parents, 2.5 kids and a cute-as-hell beagle begging for scraps under the table.

i don't know about you, but that image sure-as-shit doesn't resemble any sort of thanksgiving i'm familiar with.

the past decade of thanksgivings in my family have been, more or less, drunken shit shows. there was the thanksgiving a few years ago during which my brother showed up high as a kite, causing some major drama between him and poppa b, which is actually rather standard fare for our family. then there was the thanksgiving during which i came out to my parents (as if they needed corroboration that the "BFF" whom i'd been inseparable from for the past 2 years, was in fact, my girlfriend... oh, the futile vanities of youth), causing my mother to drink an extra bottle or two of wine at dinner. of course, that thanksgiving could only be followed up with a holiday in which we were all rather hammered and i had no choice but to tell my mom i was pretty sure she was a lesbian and that i'd "gotten it" from her. that went well.

i'm certain that i'm not the only person whose thanksgivings more closely resemble the jerry springer show than the cheerfully benign images shoved down our throats every year in commercials. as such, i propose a makeover for thanksgiving and am initiating THXGIVIN 2009, a holiday which will more appropriately fit the lives of modern americans (and will go quite nicely at my family's THXGIVIN 2009, which will be spent with the family of my brother's lovely knocked-up fiancee in the middle of topanga canyon, aka hippieville USA). like whore-o-ween and santafest before it, THXGIVIN will put a commercialized, modern twist on the holiday that consumers will find a bit easier to swallow. please note that i wouldn't dare suggest any changes to the food served at thanksgiving, as it is universally agreed upon that it's the best part of this family-funtastic time in america, the land of the fat. having said that, i propose the following revisions to this awesome, totally fattening holiday:
  • we need a mascot. sure, there are the standard pilgrims and turkeys that kids learn about in elementary school as being symbols of the holiday, but let's face it: when is the last time you saw a pilgrim on TV? who gives a crap about turkeys the other 364 days a year? what we need is a THXGIVIN MEERKAT. thanks to the popular discovery channel show meerkat manor, meerkats are bigger than ever in 2009. still, these adorable little critters (seriously, have you ever seen them stand up, survey the landscape and scamper off? CUTE.) haven't quite gotten the recognition they deserve. i propose that with the proper marketing, meerkats can become the next penguin (aka, america's current favorite exotic animal in 99% of new animated movies). soon, children will make macaroni meerkats in art class, moms will go crazy for meerkat jello molds, and dads will love the new meerkat parade at halftime of their favorite football game. now let's give santa a run for his money! gooooooo meerkats!
  • we need some kickass tunes. this morning, en route to drop two friends off at the airport, the crisp, golden air and general buzz of activity that embodies "the holidays" filled my spirit and caused me to muse aloud, "hmmm... do you think the all-christmas-all-the-time-between-thanksgiving-and-christmas music station has started with the christmas music yet?" with an adventuresome spirit, our trio vowed to find out; soon we were thrilled to hear the tra-la-la-la-las and jingling sleighbells that filled the car with laughter and joy. ok, that sounds really cheesy, but as a christmas-loving-jew, i have to say that there's something magical about bing crosby's dulcet tones as he dreams of white christmases. therefore, THXGIVIN needs to jump on this bandwagon. in order to make this process as smooth as possible, i propose ripping off already-existing christmas songs such as: swimming through a gravy wonderland, elastic waistband rock, little drumstick boy, and randy the totally cute THXGIVIN meerkat.
  • we need some sponsors. let's face it: we live in a corporate, commercialized world, where money talks and holidays are brands. what THXGIVIN needs is to cash in on this shit. how? with SPONSORS. just imagine the potential for innovative marketing and advertising campaigns: "THXGIVIN, brought to you by nike: just gobble it," or "THXGIVIN carol cds, available in happy meals at mcdonalds, a proud sponsor of THXGIVIN 2010." This brand exposure is just what this holiday needs to compete with the big dogs, halloween and christmas.
i am confident that making the aforementioned adjustments to this holiday will give thanksgiving that supercharged powerhouse kickassitutde it needs to reclaim its stake on the national landscape and remind the american people that, yes, there is a holiday between whore-o-ween and santafest, and no, it's not that weird 8-day thing that's just for the jews. go on, THXGIVIN, this is your moment to shine.

have a happy, fantastic, drama-free thanksgiving!! xx, rachel morgan

PS: ANONYMOUS, i miss you.

1 comment:

Erin said...

alright well we got a little less then a year now...ill call mcdonalds( i use to work the drive thru-i got an in), you get in contact with the big guy in the red suit for tips on finding other sponsors. I know a few song writers we can make this happen for TG 2010.