LILO AND SAMRO: inside a lesbian breakup, or seriously, lesbians are crazy.

***DISCLAIMER: dear heteros, please do not read this blog as any attempt to diminish the difficulty that i'm sure accompanies "opposite marriage(relationship)" (thanks, miss CA) breakups. all i'm trying to do is explain that when it comes to breaking up, nobody does it crazier than lesbians.***

there's been much ballyhoo in the media recently surrounding poor lindsay lohan's weight, drinking/drugging and feeling "SO ALONE" following her very public breakup with samantha ronson. there's also a seemingly endless stream of speculation spilling all over the place, as commentators and bloggers ask, "ARE LINDSAY AND SAM GETTING BACK TOGETHER?" listen, people. the thing you're not realizing here is that this is a LESBIAN BREAKUP, and therefore none of the "standard rules" apply.

seriously. are you a lesbian? have you had a lesbian breakup? is it not the most ridiculously F'd up thing ever? i'm assuming that all you sapphic ladies out there answered yes to all three questions, and probably know exactly what i mean and where i'm going with this, so straighties, hold on for an explanation:

why lesbian breakups are fraught with drama and take FOREVER to go through:

1. women are crazy. i think most men would agree with this statement, and every lesbian i know agrees with this statement, so lets assume its true. women, as wonderful as we are, are inherently nutsodramatic. there's always something we're pissed about, we'll never tell you what it is or why we're pissed, we spend hours and hours over analyzing and replaying the minute details of even the most mundane conversations, we're constantly convinced you're thinking something but not telling us, and all of that is just the tip of the iceberg. ok, so 1 chick = crazy, so 1 chick + 1 chick = DOUBLE THE CRAZY, and when crazy comes to the breakup party, things have a tendency to get ugly.

2. circle of friends. like many cultural subsections, lesbians tend to flock towards other lesbians and amass their own little lesbian clique. its fun! we drink together, go on adventures together, dance together, play sports together, sometimes make out with/sleep with each other (which is not at ALL dramatic), all while in a group that usually consists of at least 1 former couple now trying to be "friends." so lets say your name is sappho, and you've been dating billie jean king for about a year. although you each have your own friends, there has definitely been some friend-mingling, and you've become part of what, in some cultures, is known as a "dyketribe." what happens when you and billie jean break things off? who takes whose side? how do you all manage to be friends afterward without a ridiculous amount of drama? and, good lord, what does sappho do when her friend/ex begins dating again? even worse, what does sappho do when billie jean starts hooking up with one of their fellow tribeswomen? OMG HEAD EXPLODES. seriously, people, this sort of insane jr. high schoolish drama happens on the reg to responsible adult lesbians, and let me assure you of this... it has a tendency to get ugly.

3. TTYN EXBFF. one of the most difficult things about lesbian breakups is that when you break up, you're not only losing your lover; you're also losing your best friend (and frequently roommate, thanks to lesbian rule #1, which is "move in together immediately after you make out for the first time."). now now - don't all you heteros get your panties and man-panties in a bunch - i know that your exes were probably your best friend too, but, for some reason, the BFF quotient is exponentially higher when you're dealing with two women. straightladies, think about it - you and your BFF have a totally different sort of close friendship than you do with your BOYF, and heterodudes, you know that your bromances are nothing like your friendships with your special babes. ANYWAY, what i'm trying to get at is that two women, regardless of whether or not they're sleeping together, can form a very close bond/friendship that they could only find in another woman. now add in a little sexytime to that sort of friendship, and believe me... when it all comes crashing town, it has a tendency to get ugly.

4. "but we're still BFFs!" i think this is one area in which lesbians and sane people (aka straight people) tend to diverge pretty sharply on the breakup scale. SANE people, when going through a breakup, realize that time apart, not talking, not sleeping together and not convincing yourself that you're immediately ok with being "just friends" are important parts of the healing process. lesbians, however, due to reasons 1-3 on this list, think its a good idea to keep living together, partying together, talking to each other and being "just friends" immediately post-breakup. oftentimes, we know that these are not "good" or "healthy" things to do, but we do them anyway, coming up with a variety of excuses as to why we must continue daily communication with our immediate exes ("the bitch has my favorite pants still" (because sharing closets is pretty high on the lesbian perk list); "but she's my best friend" (honey, she may have been your bff while banging, but things will never be the same again); "we're both over it and can handle it" (you may be "over it" while you're remembering how pissed you are at her for cheating on you, but you won't be over it when you see her and her new gf making out two seconds after you break up, i promise)). cutting off all communication after a lesbian breakup is hard; in fact, i only have one friend who has done it (YAY! so proud!). the rest of us try to be friends... and it has a tendency to get ugly.

so there you have it. 4 reasons lesbian breakups are insanely difficult/dramatic/crazy/idiotic/never-ending affairs. i'm sure i could come up with a variety of other reasons, but i've got to get back to the topic at hand: LILO - SAMRO = BAD LESBIAN BREAKUP IN THE PUBLIC EYE. yikes. that's some pretty bad shit right there.

so, readers, the next time you catch a pic of linds looking extra-skeletor-y, or sam looking a tad more sullen than usual, give the girls a break. things are getting ugly.


Anonymous said...

this is SO true and so well written. thanks, rachel, for explaining this to people who don't get it!

Carolyn said...

What a brilliant cultural observation.

Elaine Chen-Fernandez said...

i concur. brilliant......and devastatingly accurate.