although we all know i've got 101 reasons to love nick carter, these days, my main man is a little shorter, darker, scarred-er, and fictional-er. yes, i'm talking about the one and only harry potter*****, the greatest phenomenon of the new millennium (other than the return of fro-yo!!! thanks, pinkberry, for helping revive my favorite frozen treat's popularity, but give me some of the good ol' fashioned, non-made-from-paper shizzzzz any day!). harry and i have had quite a torrid affair over the past few years; we've had our ups (becoming a gryffindor! winning the house cup!!!!!! defeating the horntail in the first challenge of the triwizard tournament!!!!!!!!!! WOOOHOOOO!!!), and we've had our downs (watching cedric die :(, watching sirius die :(, watching dumbledore die :(, watching like 10004587634 people/elves/owls die in HPADH :( SAD), but despite it all, i've never loved anyone like i've loved harry. we've laughed (mainly at ron, whose eternal dorkiness endears him to both of us), and we've cried (only like every time i read HPATGOF and HP's parents' ghosts come to protect harry when his and voldemort's wands connect, and like a bagillion other times throughout the series), and through it all, i've realized that there's no place like hogwarts, diagon alley is cooler than any mall (except, perhaps, that one on market in san francisco. i'm not a fan of the stores there, but i could ride those windy escalators alllllll day), and most importantly, i'd give my left tit to be a witch and live in HP world. cuz then i'd just magically grow it back, y'all!
*****please note that all references to "harry potter" or any such similar language herein refers ONLY to the literary version of the aforementioned character and his fictional universe. the movies are all pretty much craptastic, particuarlary HPATOTP, which was painfully bad and made me want to sue david yates for intentional infliction of emotional distress. this is why i went to law school for a whole year, bitches. to throw around really impressive legal terms.
anyway, here are 5 reasons to love harry potter
1. he's got the magic stick. and no, ladies, i'm not talking about that 11 inch holly and phoenix feather wand of his. i'm talking about that other stick. the one that rhymes with "benis." how do i know, you might ask?!? well, a lady never kisses and tells (OMG i totally did harry potter!!), but i think hp's impressive "swish and flick" motion is pretty apparent from the quality of ass HP pulls. first, there's pavarti, who is like super pretty. then there's cho, who is obviously hot, since she dated the hottest hufflepuff ever, dead ceddy-ced. finally, harry snags ginny, who is like GRADE-A meat, and obviously knows her way around a "benis" after dating like 16 dudes and letting them into her "chamber of secrets" (it is no coincidence that ginny opens the chamber of secrets and lets a gigantic snake in and out of that thing like, ALL THE TIME!). harry, baby, ditch those witches and come ride my broom.
2. he's totally THE chosen one. ok, so this may seem unoriginal to those of you familiar with the "chosen one" formula (hero, frequently an orphan, has to face off against an evil force that he is somehow connected to and must ultimately choose good over evil in order to save the world, yadda yadda yadda), but let's face it: skywalker, neo, frodo, ender (ender's game. orson scott card. read it, yo) and jesus have NOTHING on harry potter. harry totally whomps on voldemort, and voldemort makes darth vadar look like a husky-voiced, one-balled albino with penis envy (um, ever notice how phallic that light sabre is? and the death star clearly represents the gigantic testicle he wishes he had to replace the one ewan mcgregor sliced off withsome serious jedi shit??). and satan with this whole 40 days and nights of temptation in the desert?? LAME. voldemort would turn both of those fools into horcruxes or some crap, and harry would still be able to smash those wussy fuckers and save the world!!
3. he's a master at defense against the dark arts. i'm not gonna lie. that's super hot. although its obviously pretty sexxxxy that he got an O on his DADA OWL, let's face it: he's good at everything. but what realllly makes hp's mad skillz in the DADA arena so impressive is that it allows him to play hard-to-get. i mean, naturally, i'm kinda an evil witch, and have had to resort to dark magic to entice harry. but every time i try to give him a love potion or put him under the imperius curse and have my way with him, dude blocks me with a shield charm or some other lame non-violent spell, and is all like, "no, rachel morgan, i will not bang you!" UGH! it's maddening, hp!! but, hp, you know i like a little game of cat-and-mouse (or should i say crookshanks-and-scabbers? ok that's maybe not funny, but whatevs!), and that i'm not easily discouraged. watch out, harry. momma's coming to get ya.
4. he's like, invisible, yo. ok, well he's not REALLY invisible. but he does have the most kickass thing ever, an invisibility cloak!!! and the coolest thing about the invisibility cloak is that it totally allows him to be a rebel badass. he's always climbing out of bed in that thing, wandering hogwarts allllllll night long (you can come explore my dungeons, baby), sneaking into places he's not supposed to be (i'll let you in to the restricted section of my librabry, sugar), and seeing things he's not supposed to (you can look deep into my mirror of erised, hotstuff). better still, there's room for 2 under that invisibility cloak. you know what that means - late night trips to the astronomy tower... secret trysts in the forbidden fodrest... doing the dirty in the room of requirement... HOT, harry. hot.
5. he's loaded. ok, so blah blah blah, harry's parents died, then the closest thing he had to a parent died, but WHATEVER. they all left him a crapload of money, and now he's super loaded! harry's so rich he didn't even keep is winnings from the triwizard tournament, and feigned being all bummed over cedric's death so he could just GIVE it away! like, omg, hp! i mean, i know i said all of these nice things about other reasons to love you, but i kinda like that you're a veritable cash cow. besides, you're totally SET FOR LIFE after killing voldemort - you probably have a toilet made entirely of galleons!!!! so stop being all charitable and think of me for once. and buy me some stuff, k? it's really the only reason i keep you around.
in case anyone was wondering, yes, i am fully aware that this is probably the dorkiest blog i could ever have posted.