shake, rattle and roll

as i'm sure you all know, the city of angles was blessed with a gift from god today - a 5.4 magnitude earthquake!!! AWESOME!!

obviously, i'm fine (thanks for asking, jerks), lulu is fine (i rushed home to check on her ASAP, natch), my apt is fine (sadly, i can't blame it's current state of disarray on the 'quake. instead, i'll blame it on a band of gypsies that recently came through and rustled everything i own, threw 10 pairs of my shoes in a pile by the stairs and left dirty dishes in the sink after whipping up a delicious meal of pad thai and wine. DAMN YOU, you high-class gypsies!!), and all seems to have returned to normal relatively quickly.

however, i must say that (aside from the obviously unexpected freaking EARTHQUAKE) the biggest surprise of my day was the variety of responses i got from my out-of-state friends upon hearing about the earthquake. i was 11 the last time LA had a big earthquake and didn't have any out-of-state friends at the time (is that normal or was i just super uncool when i was a pre-teen? did you all have buddies all over the USA when you were kids? omg, you totally did. damn, i wish i were popular! momma b, it's all your fault for not letting me have more pairs of DOC martins! i could've been sooooo much cooler!), so this was the first time i've talked to non-SOCAL people about the earthquake, and the first time i've heard responses from those who had never felt one before. here are the two most common reactions i got (to protect the innocent, i will not name names. you know who you are. especially one person WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED, but lives in chicago and has brown hair and whose name starts with E and made both comments... caaallled out, beyotch!):
  1. "omg! i want to feel an earthquake!"OK. seriously? people, let me assure you: you do not want to feel an earthquake. you don't even want to feel a little one. hell, if you're that desperate for excitement, go to six flags, close your eyes on some scary ride, and pretend that you're riding the san andreas fault. wooohooo! ride 'em, cowgirl!

  2. "what does an earthquake feel like?" this is a difficult question to answer, mainly because i've never felt anything similar to the entire world around you shaking all over the place. however, in the name of SCIENCE (which we all know i hold dear to my heart), i will do my best to explain. imagine that you're sitting at home, minding your own business, watching 2 girls 1 cup (side note: 2 girls 1 cup is only the second most disgusting thing i've ever seen. you wanna reaalllly gross yourself out? watch 2 girls 1 FINGER. it's some freaky asian girls doing the most foul and unladylike things one could ever imagine, and you will likely want to douse yourself in syrup and throw yourself, naked, into a pool of fire ants in order to refocus the pain elsewhere afterwards.), when all of a sudden, the ground beneath you starts to move. then, it gets really loud and everything around you starts to move too: nudie-picture books fall out of bookcases, empty bottles of booze roll off counter tops and shatter, and even your sexy bits shake (boobies and balls get all jiggly with that seismic action). if you're not on the ground floor of a building (which, of course, i was not), you get the added benefit of an awesome swaying motion so that everything around you goes up and down AND side to side! YAY! the best part is that all of this goes on for like 45 seconds!!!!! it's like the gift that keeps on giving!!!!!!! i know what i'm going to ask SANTA to put under my jew tree this jewfest!!!!

anyway, that's alllll about the earthquake. if you want more details or are still hankering to experience your very own tectonic thrust (hehehe... thrust! that sounds dirty! i'm gonna thrust my tectonics right on top of your plates, baby!!!), i suggest just shaking your head vigorously for about 15 minutes, making sure your brains get extra-addled. that ought to help the sitch!!!

stay safe, and remember: duck and cover, kiddies!


jackie said...

hey sparkle -

the audience at the taping of "judge judy" definitely did not duck and cover - and the cameras were still rolling to capture this video.

- j

rachel morgan said...

that's amazing and hilarious. i ducked and covered, that's fo sho.