thanks for letting me know what people REALLY think...

dear facebook,

i think it's a pretty well-established fact that i love you. i love how you help me stalk people, i love how many fun and sassy bumper stickers you provide that i can give to my friends (whether they like it or not, but, people!!! stop taking down my bumper stickers!) and i loooooove posting 100008973240 photos of my favorite subject: me!

however, facebook, you've sunk to new lows in order to keep drawing me in. yes, i'm talking about your "compare people" application. through this delightful little thingy, i can compare my friends on a variety of topics - everything from whom i would rather kiss to most likely to succeed!!! OMG!!!! finally, an application comes along that allows me to openly judge my friends rather than making internalized comments regarding whose hair is the cutest (it's TOTALLY yours, btw. you're so cute, you!!).

but this is where is gets complicated, facebook. you see, with this incredible gift, you opened a pandora's box for me, because i can now see how people compare ME, too! lucky for my friends, i can't see who votes for me in which categories, but, facebook, you are kind enough to tabulate the votes i receive in each category for me! THANKS!! now, here are the categories in which my friends, when given the option between me and someone else, have consistently voted for me!!!

  • can drink more: 100% votes (unsubstantiated claim, i think)
  • more athletic: 100% votes (after all, i DID play a D1 sport in college, bitches)

  • cuter: 100% votes (DAMN SKIPPY)

  • more outgoing: 100% votes (ok, ok, so i'll talk to preeeetttty much anyone)

  • more jealous of: 100% votes (this does not surprise me. if you don't hate me for being fabulous, you want to BE me, in all of my fabuslousness)

  • braver: 100% (this actually really surprises me. i'm guessing whoever voted for me in this category has never seen me cry after getting off a roller coaster, freak out at the sight of a spider or cover my eyes for the majority of a scary movie. thanks, anyway!!)

  • rather hang out with for the day: 100% (rachel morgan's availability fills up fast. if you'd like to schedule an appointment, please leave a comment and we'll try to fit you in.)

WOW!!! i mean, i always knew people liked me, but i wasn't quite so certain of my awesomeness until i saw those staggering statistics! BUT, FRIENDS, this is where the shit hits the fan. although you have kindly compared me to others in the above categories, it seems that even rachel morgan is not infallible. here are the categories in which i seem to be struggling:

  • better at science: 0% (ok, ok. this is a fair assessment. i'm not sure i know the difference between DNA and RNA, but then again, i don't really care)

  • more well-mannered: 0% (WTF?! ima cut you, burp in your face, wipe mud all over your carpet and never say "thank you," you stupid motherfers!)

  • more likely to skip class: 0% (this is some serious BS, man. i skipped class all the time!! i'm a rebel! without a cause! i used to skip class all the time to do really bad things like write graffiti on bathroom walls and smoke cloves behind the teacher's lounge! total badass!!!)

  • more fashionable: 0% (this is obviously a case of jealousy gone rampant. just because YOU can't pull together an entirely pink and purple outfit and make it match and look good, you don't gotta hate.)

  • more trustworthy: 0% (OUCH, yo!)

  • better hair: 0% ( i can only assume that this category was voted on by my college teammates, who knew that i considered being in the pool a suitable substitute for showering/hair washing)

  • smarter: 0% (OK. SERIOUSLY. people actually voted someone else smarter than me - THREE TIMES?? it is a well-established fact that i'm smarter than most people. my teachers even wanted me to skip the 3rd grade!!! and that was an important year with like cursive and times tables and shizz! if that's not an indicator of my brilliance, i don't know what is.)

so, facebook and freinds, i want to thank you for pointing out my shortcomings! your honesty and bravery in the face of the wrath of rachel morgan truly indicates that you want to help me help myself. however, your truthful opinion demands an uncensored response:

screw you. i'm perfect.


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