




3:58 pm - momma b finally lets rachel morgan go into margaritaville. rachel morgan has been looking forward to this all day. they make their way to the bar, but there is only one seat available. like any good daughter would, rachel morgan lets momma b have the seat. they order a margarita and dance to jimmy buffet.
4:10 pm - rachel morgan returns from the restroom to find that the seats next to momma b are empty. when rachel morgan asks where all of the tough-looking guys went, momma b replies, "they were whiney so i beat the shit out of them. now we have their seats."
4:12 pm - rachel morgan and momma b drink a few more margs. they also befriend the fat ugly man sitting next to momma b. his name is ed, and it is his birthday. rachel morgan demands to know where his friends are, though she suspects he doesn't have any.
4:46 pm - ed shows rachel morgan his "official parrothead" business card, and rachel morgan laughs (inside. maybe.) at what a strange old man her new friend ed is. rachel morgan gives ed a birthday kiss (on the check, obv. i have super high standards).
5:19 pm - momma b tells rachel morgan to pace herself for a long night of drinking. rachel morgan responds, "if i wasn't pacing myself i'd be throwing up in the fucking bush right now."
5:30 pm - rachel morgan is in bed for a 30 minute pass out/nap.
6:30 pm - momma b and rachel morgan dine at MIX, a chic new restaurant, and order the pairings menu. that's 4 more drinks each, but rachel morgan makes momma b drink hers, as she's trying to pace herself.
9:30 pm - rachel morgan and momma b hiccup into a cab to go see LOVE at the mirage.
10:00 pm - LOVE begins. momma b begins to cry.
10:00 pm - 11:00 pm - rachel morgan and momma b dance, sing, laugh, cry and cheer throughout LOVE. the people sitting next to them look like braindead zombies and do not even crack a smile. they were NOT fun.
11:15 pm - rachel morgan and momma b weave through the mirage, draped in pink crepe paper that fell from the ceiling at the end of LOVE. momma b keeps ranting about the "boring geezers" next to her, and rachel morgan is thoroughly enjoying pretending to be a jellyfish with the crepe.
11:30 pm - rachel morgan achieves her lifelong dream of partying aboard the cleopatra's barge at caesar's palace. unfortunately, neither rachel morgan nor momma b wanted to party anymore, and the band sucked.
12:15 am - rachel morgan and momma be retire, exhausted after their big vegas adventure!
the end.
for some reason, women who are cute, have a lot to offer, have big boobs, dress really well, use deodorant, etc..., have no problem dating men who are fat, pigeon-toed, have boils on their faces, constantly reek of gross hairy man smell, and are just all-around unattractive. WHY, ladies, WHY?? sure, he may be a "nice guy," but that doesn't make up for the fact that he gets complimented on his quasimodo costume every halloween even though he's not wearing one and it to him it's just another day being ugly!
the simple truth is that women are typically less concerned with their partner's looks than men are, and that women take other factors into consideration when searching for a partner. i'm sure that this has something to do with evolution (cave women sought men who could kill the biggest mammoth, not men who lounged around the cave all day looking hot and putting sabre tooth tiger jizz in their hair to get optimum spikiness), but ladies, that is some serious BS right there. we should be just as shallow and superficial as men are (lord knows i am. an ugly man with a gimpy arm and a droopy eye once asked me on a date. i spit in his eyeball and kneed him in the balls for his impudence. take that!)!
in order to combat this growing epidemic (even the film industry has capitalized on this trend. now they make movies like knocked up, where a short fat jewish guy bangs and wins the hot tall blonde. ew.), i propose that women raise their standards STAT. it is time that we look in the mirror, recognize our hotness*, and refuse to let whomever we're screwing drag us down. fight the fug! viva la resistance!!!
so, ladies, the next time some turd-faced douche tries to seduce you with "wit," "charm," "intelligence," "money," or "trustworthiness" (lame), throw your drink in his face (glass and all - scars might improve his look) and tell him, "i'm hot. you're not. now get out of my sight, you peasant."
* fugly girls: this does not apply to you. you can date the fugly dudes. xo!