an educational tour of america part deux

Due to the overwhelming demand that I continue shaping the minds of the youth of America through my educational tour of state slogans, I've decided to post the second installment now! I'd do anything to make my fans happy. Except perform sexual favors. Or pose for photographs. Or sign autographs. Regardless! To my many, many fans, I must say, I love you all and please - enjoy! xoxo! rachel morgan.

Alabama - "Share the Wonder." Hmmm. Alabama. Using the word "wonder" here is a very clever move on your part. The word "wonder" typically carries very positive connotations. You know, Disneyland, Christmas, birthday parties with Shetland ponies and an ice cream bar... Yet somehow, when I think of Alabama, the images that pop into my head probably wouldn't fall under the "wonder" category. Lets see. When I think of Alabama, I think of: race riots, church bombings, scary hicks with bad teeth waving a confederate flag in one hand and a gun in the other, and that Neil Young song, "Alabama." Now I'm as much for Neil Young as the next guy, but what kind of "wonder" are you trying to share with the rest of the country? Is it contagious? Do I need to be vaccinated against your "wonder" before I enter the state? Am I going to suddenly find myself in desperate need of orthodontic work? If you're trying to convince people to actually COME to Alabama, I'd go with, "Alabama: Where Race Riots Are a Thing of the Past."

Arizona - "The Grand Canyon State." Arizona, I'm slightly disappointed in you for this craptastic slogan. I feel very confident in saying that any fourth grader could probably identify Arizona as the home of the Grand Canyon, so why on earth are you bragging about it? Your slogan might as well be, "Arizona: The Sky Is Blue Here." Now, I've spent quite a bit of time in Arizona, and I know that you have more to offer than just a big crack in the ground. You have some awesome malls. I love Fashion Square! Instead of just pointing out the obvious, try playing to your strengths. Try, "Arizona: It May Be Hot Outside, But Our Malls Are Huge and Air Conditioned!"

Arkansas - "The Natural State." I'm a bit confused by this one because there are so many ways to construe this statement. Are all Arkansians living life like Adam and Eve, running around naked and unshaven as in the "natural state" of mankind? Do Arkansas women not dye their hair or wear makeup because they prefer to go au natural? Is nature so bountiful in Arkansas that all trappings of urban life are left behind? If any of the above interpretations are true, Arkansas, I'm not coming to visit. I hate nature and women with hairy armpits. Ew.

California - "Find Yourself Here." As a native Californian, I'm going to have to admit that this slogan does our fine state no favors. I've discovered that people outside of California have a tendency to think of Californians as stoned, new age-y hippies who buy into metaphysical bullshit while doing yoga and eating granola. And the slogan, "Find Yourself Here" buys right into that stereotype. Yes, come to California and you will embark on an intense and spiritual journey that will help you "find yourself" on the path to enlightenment. Puh-lease. In California, the only place you'll "find yourself" is at a plastic surgeon's office picking out your new boobs. Or shopping. Or eating sushi. Now that I think about it though, I might not be giving California enough credit. Maybe in Central California people embark on spiritual journeys that lead to self-discovery. But that's the yucky part of the state and I don't think anyone wants to go there.

Colorado - "Enter a Higher State." Ok, this one is seriously just begging to be made fun of. Yes, we all get the allusion to the Rockies and the heightened elevation.. but its sooo much more tempting to go with the drugs joke. All I can picture is some half-brained snowboarding instructor saying, "Yeah, come to Colorado, get high and shred some sweet slopes, dude!" If Colorado really wanted to capitalize on this state slogan, it would lobby for legislation that legalizes marijuana. I have no doubt that the tourism board would be pleasantly surprised with a sudden surge in tourism and that the economy would benefit greatly from the influx of stoners who need pads to crash in and munchies to snack on. Awesome.

Connecticut - "Full of Surprises." If all of the states gathered for a family reunion, Connecticut would definitely be the rich snobby aunt that shows up and condescendingly brags that her son just accepted a full scholarship to Yale, despite Princeton and Harvard banging down his door. But when your crazy snobby aunt gets sloppy drunk on one too many vodka martinis and spills on her perfectly pressed button down shirt (worn under a cashmere crewneck sweater, naturally), that's where the surprise comes in. When she then continues to spill family secrets... SURPRISE! Uncle Bobby is gay! Try as you may, Connecticut, we know you're not as perfect as you'd like the rest of us to think.

Delaware - "Its Good Being First." I feel kind of sorry for Delaware. For those of you who don't quite remember your US history, this slogan refers to the fact that Delaware was the first state to ratify the US Constitution. Again, for those of you who aren't good with dates (or math, for that matter), this glorious event happened well over two hundred years ago. And they're still bragging about it? Poor Delaware! Two hundred years and that's still your only claim to fame? I mean, Delaware, the other original twelve colonies also ratified the constitution - its not like you were the lone bastion of democracy amongst rebel anarchists! Delaware, I'm glad you're proud of your role in the creation of our glorious nation, but I think you're giving yourself a wee too much credit. I'd try a more humble statement like, "Delaware: The Second-Smallest State."

Florida - "Visit Florida." When people think of Florida, they think of partying, old ladies and hot bodies tanning on the beach. Now, I'm not going to say that Floridians are stupid (because I have immense respect and love for two UF graduates and because I am obsessed with Dexter), but I'm not exactly surprised that the best they could come up with is "Visit Florida." The entire tourism board was probably too busy getting wasted on the beach to come up with anything better, and when spring break was over, they were too hungover to notice how crappy their slogan was. Try: "Florida: We're Hammered!"

Georgia - "Georgia on My Mind." Don't get me wrong - this is a great song. But you don't see California using, "California Dreaming," or Oklahoma using, "Oklahoma: Where the Wind Comes Sweepin' Down the Plain." Are you just too lazy to come up with an original slogan? Northerners always picture people sitting on porches in the South, sipping mint juleps and talking with that slow, languid drawl. I always assumed this was an unrealistic stereotype, but with a slogan as unoriginal as Georgia's, I'm beginning to buy into the lazy Southerner label. Why not fess up to it and go with, "Georgia: Where All Your Southern Stereotypes Come True."

Hawaii - "The Islands of Aloha." First of all, Aloha, much like the Hebrew Shalom, means like ten thousand things. Are the Hawaiian Islands the "Islands of Hello" AND the "Islands of Goodbye?" Or am I misinterpreting this translation of aloha, and the slogan is really the "Islands of Love?" What the hell, Hawaii? Secondly, Aloha isn't even English. Welcome to America, Hawaii, where the de facto official language is ENGLISH. Now, I know that you're kind of far away from the mainland, but that is no excuse to go gallivanting around with this foreign (native, whatever) language. Get with the program and come up with a translation that all Americans will love. How about: "Hawaii: Vacationland for Wealthy Mainlanders."

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