an educational tour of the united states of america

a few years ago, while spending a lonely insomniatic hour browsing the internet, something spurred me to look up the slogans for our 50 wonderful states. instantly, i needed to make fun of them: the states, their residents, and most of all, their ridiculous slogans. here's part one of the series: enjoy!

alaska - "beyond your dreams, within your reach." first of all, i understand where they are going with the whole "beyond your dreams" thing (ie unparalleled natural beauty), but i must say... this just sounds stupid. its something straight out of some power ballad in which some long haired 80s rocker dude laments losing his awesome chick. the lyrics would be something along the lines of, "baby, you were beyond my dreams/girl, you were within my reach." sounds like a number one hit to me!

idaho - "great potatoes. tasty destinations." i'm pretty confident that 99% of my friends would mention potatoes within five seconds of being asked to tell me what they know about idaho. don't get me wrong, i love a great idaho potato. but is that seriously all the state has to offer? it kinda makes me sad that potatoes get top billing and that the entire rest of the state just falls under the generic "tasty destinations" canopy. you poor idahoians!

louisiana - "come as you are. leave different." this slogan implies that louisiana will somehow change your life. however - the tone is so imperative that it almost seems to command that the visitor make some sort of drastic, life changing decision. i'm sorry. i've been to louisiana, and let me assure you that all i did was leave poorer and drunker (i heart new orleans). its a wonderful state, but it could benefit from a swift kick in the ass based on this lameo slogan.

michigan - "great lakes, great times; more to see." michigan, michigan, michigan. i will not be too harsh on you because you've given me many wonderful years in ann arbor. but, seriously. yes, we all know you have great lakes. and yes, i can attest to the fact that great times abound in michigan. but what is this more to see bullshit? it just seems like such a desperate ploy, like the state tourism board sat around and said, "who could turn down the lure of the unspecified MORE?!?!" just pick something specific! "great lakes, great times; michigan fotball." thats my new suggestion, people.

nevada - "wide open." ok this one was just asking for it. as we all know, nevada is home to the wonderful city of las vegas, where there are many things "wide open." strippers' legs. hookers' legs. showgirls' legs. drunk tourists' legs (and wallets). obviously, "wide open" is a delicate allusion to the mass quantities of drunken hooker sex that goes on in this state, all while vieled as a comment about the desert landscape. i think they shoud just be honest and up-front about the whole thing. i perfer, "nevada: come get fucked here!"

north dakota - "legendary." FOR WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

south dakota - "great faces. great places." this slogan makes the list for two reasons. 1) south dakota totally ripped off south carolina's slogan, "smiling faces, beautiful places." way to not use any imagination, south dakota. 2) i was not aware that south dakota was the hotbed of breeding beautiful people with "great faces!!" i must have forgotten about all of the supermodels from south dakota! seriously - at least south carolina was smart enough to claim that people there just smile a lot... you don't hear them making false claims about their attractive citizens!

wisconsin - "stay just a little bit longer." is this a slogan or a pathetic pick up line? wisconsin, are you just trying to get me in bed by whispering sweet nothings in my ear? do i look like the kind of girl who puts out?? what exactly do you think will happen if i "stay just a little bit longer?" this slogan might as well say, "nice pants. they'd look better on wisconsin's floor."

thats all for now. i hope you all enjoyed learning a little bit more about the wonders of our distinguished and proud country!

pps: i love you. yes, you.

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