thank the sweet baby jesus lying in his manger in heaven, swaddled and smelling of baby powder, lordly holliness and angel farts.

after a month apart, i have finally been reunited with my love! i am thrilled!! i've missed her terribly, worse than the deserts miss the rain, even. while we were apart, i frequently longed for her, and thought about the many gifts she's given me. i couldn't have lived without her much longer, and now that we're back together, i feel like myself again; she makes me whole. yes, i'd like to proudly welcome you back into my life, television.

as the cable man plugged you in, i saw you spark to life, and it was like coming home after a long night of drinking buckets of Miller Lite. my soul soared at the first hints of your dulcet tones; i swear i nearly cried when i heard the familiar (and deeply missed in your absence) "ba-da-da-da-daa" of the mcdonald's commercial. if there's one thing i'm loving, it's having you back in my life, baby.

as i felt your smooth remote slide into my hand, an overwhelming ecstasy came over me. i slipped. i spun. i swooned. and you knew just what to do. as i pushed your buttons, you pushed them right back. mmmmm... america's next top model marathon. oooooh.... lockup:raw! YES! america's best dance crew! dear god, you know how to turn me on, television! i can't remember when i was last this excited!

i know we were meant to be, tv. we're two peas in a pod; a perfect match, like the slow and lumbering giant robot elephants used by the reupublic in the return of the jedi and real-life elephants, which are equally lumbering but probably faster, and have the disadvantage of being made out of flesh rather than made-in-the-future-supermetal. i bet it's a lot easier to blow up a real elephant than a robot elephant.

anyway, television, i'll never leave you again. it's you and me forever, baby. we'll just have to keep it down at night so the neighbors don't complain. if they do, they're just jealous and probably not getting any.

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