no matter how much i talk myself up on this blog (yes, i am aware of the fact that i come off like an egomaniacal bitch whose primary concerns include: me, my cat, drinking, me, headbands, me, drinking, me. at least i included little lulu on that list), there are certain circumstances under which i would crumble like a block of feta left to sit in the sun all day whilst being picked at by pigeons who don't know that i poisoined the feta because i hate birds so much, and consequently, fall from the sky like the winged-rats they are.

anywhoooo, last night, while chatting with the ever-so-delightful K and E, i discovered one such situation that would cause me to literally have a total and complete mental, physical and emotional collapse: prison.

could you imagine it?! ME? IN PRISON?! omg. we all know that i would not only be someone's bitch within the first five seconds of walking in the door (seriously, some huge scary woman named "chopper" would have me following her everywhere, carrying her contraband prison cigarettes and would always refer to me as "chopper's girl"), but i would also be miserable without eyeliner, my cell phone, low-fat chocolate soy milk, moisturizer, DVR, lip gloss, my car, nail polish, fresh salads with goat cheese... realistically, it would not be pretty. soooo thankfully, i'm not murdering anyone anytime soon (and i'd never get caught, anyway. i've already got like 15 places picked out to stash a body where the climate and wild animals nearby would dispose of any trace evidence i may have left behind. watch out, yo - i'd have mad skillz as a serial killer), because that would be the end of rachel morgan, for realz.

talking about what would be my inevitable utter and complete meltdown in the prison environment got me started thinking: what other situations would i not be able to survive? how would i deal with being lost at sea? could i handle a bear attack? what would i do if i had to walk 10 blocks through the ghetto? would i weep uncontrollably if forced to attend a NASCAR event? as each question sped through my mind, a pattern quickly emerged: i coulnd't handle any of those circumstances (don't give me a hard time about the NASCAR thing, people. i hate crowds of trashy people with mullets and cheap beer. honestly, that sounds like the seventh level of hell to me).

upon making this realization, my initial reaction was to be slightly disappointed in myself. was i so spoiled and so imbued with a sense of entitlement that i'd become incapable of dealing with anything outside of my day-to-day life? apparently, yes (duh). however, my initial disappointment quickly dissapated when i realized that the situations i was imagining SUCK, and that people who find themselves dealing with such terrible things deserve to be there! sure jail is like totally the worst place ever, but people who end up there f'd up in the first place (and yes, i'm talking to you, paris hilton. our reactions to jail life might have been reasonably similar, but i'm too smart to be getting DUIs and driving with suspended lisences, hobag!). someone lost at sea would also totally deserve it too, probably because they're dumb and think, "oh this raft looks sturdy! lets test it out!" (jenny from end of L word season 4 - you are annoying and dumb and i wished you had been lost at sea forever, but then i would have missed you being a total crazy psychobitch in season 5, so welcome back to the mainland!).

furthermore, my strong religious background (hahahahahahahahahaha. jk jk jk, peeps! i'm practically the anti-christ, but whatevs. i do love me some jezzy-jesus!) has led me to realize that that no matter what terrible situation we're in, baby jesus up in heaven would never give us a challenge that we can't handle. thats why, when i found out that i'd have to borrow my mom's mercedes station wagon for like 5 days (UGH!) while my car was in the shop, i didn't panic. i just took a deep breath, told myself to calm down, and said, "sweet jesus knows i can deal with this. you can do it, rachel morgan!" so, guys, if you ever find yourself in the pokey, remember that if anything terrible happens to you while you drop the soap, it's what god wanted from you, so take it like a champ.


No comments: