memorialize me

as we continue to roll ahead with year five of the awesome iraq war (it's such a patriotism-inspiring event! it's like a clash of the titans! highly-trained US soldiers facing off against guerrilla fighters and homemade bombs! operation iraqi freedom, whaaaat whuuuuuttt!), perhaps it is appropriate that this memorial day, we take a moment to remember the 4,081 soldiers who have died in iraq, whether we like the war or not. (insert moment of silence so rachel morgan doesn't come off as too crass when she casually moves on to a lighter topic. she seriously does care about the troops! tie a yellow ribbon around oak trees, bitches!).

anyway, all of this "memorializing" business got me thinking about how i would like people to memorialize me (i believe that this is a natural progression in the chain of thought: 1. memorial day 2. celebrate troops on memorial day 3. we should celebrate everyone 4. we should celebrate me!!!! 5. rachel morgan day!!!!!). obviously, my upcoming birthday (june 6th marks my inevitable descent into the dark days of "late 20s.") will make the perfect date to celebrate rachel morgan day!! therefore, i rachel morgan, am proud to announce that hereafter, june 6 will be known as rachel morgan day! it will be a day when we celebrate rachel morgan's incredible contributions to society, and we will thank her for her tireless sexiness and all-around super-powerful awesomeness. yay!! hip-hip-hoorah! on this blessed day, it is decreed that all citizens, squatters, illegal immigrants, tourists and passersby that inhabit the united states on june 6 must adhere to the following guidelines:

1. wear pink. how pretty would it be if everyone, everywhere wore pink on rachel morgan day??! picture it: little boys and girls swathed in magenta; president bush in a bubble-gum pink suit?!? and, OMG, wouldn't the klansmen look nice in a pretty dusty-rose instead of that drab old white they wear? i think it would really spruce up their image too, and do wonders for recruitment. after all, white isn't exactly the most flattering color, and i think the klan could see a serious boost in their numbers by brightening up their uniform - even racist morons like to look cute!

2. eat soup. soup is the national food on national rachel morgan day. this delicious, often under-appreciated food will be required to be the main focus of at least one meal for every person across this fine US of A. if any peasant attempts to resist this decree, he or she shall immediately be thrown into a huge vat of chicken noodle soup, where the dissenter will boil/drown and be made into "chicken soup for the cannibal's soul," and will be served as dinner at all federal prisons. people soup! i'm a evil dictator now! YAY!

3. obviously, since rachel morgan day is a national holiday, everyone will be exempt from work! this ought to give people plenty of time to ruminate on my many wonders, but i also hope that everyone will be able to enjoy themselves on this miraculous holiday! however, since i know SOME PEOPLE (old people, fundamentalist christians, infants, recovering addicts, nuns, republicans, virgins) are resistant to fun, i will also decree that between 9pm and 12am, everyone must PARTY HARDY! omg, how fun would that be?!? everyone, all across the nation, partying (not to mention celebrating ME!!!) at the same time... picture it: rednecks shootin' some squirrels in the woods and drinking some Natty Ice, slutty sorority girls (i can say that because i've lived it) whoring it up more than usual while drinking out of the ice luge at DKE, and even classy ladies like barbara streisand cutting loose, taking some jello shots and then puking in some decorative vase salvaged from the remains of anne frank's house!!! how FUN would that be?! PARTY! WHOO!

since i'm not trying to impose toooooooo many regulations on my fine fellow citizens, i think those three decrees ought to be enough to ensure that everyone thoroughly enjoys their rachel morgan day. now, someone go adopt me a whale for my birthday, or off with your heads!


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