vagina babies

while momma b was out on the town recently, i took poppa b out for a hot daddy-daughter date at our usual hangout, 4 on 6 (aka bomb-diggity "old school" sushi unlike the trendy, overpriced and under-quality BS you get at katsu-ya aka my new least farvoite sushi place ever). over the course of the evening, he continued to drive me insane with his various stories/comments/demands that i not only a) marry (which, BTW!!!!!!! today is a HUGE day for! super happy to see that the ban on gay marriages has been overturned in CA!!! california, i heart you xxo!!!) but also b) give vagina birth to live human children.

initially, poppa b ranted that he hoped to walk me down the aisle and be a grandfather soon. well, anyone who knows me knows that this is as unlikely as jesus christ himself coming back to life as some sort of zombie-freak and making out with president bush, but there i was, explaining to daddy that i was not only in no rush to commit, but that i was also never, ever, under any cirumstances, ever, never, planning on giving birth to a child with my vagina. don't get me wrong; i love children. but somehow, the thought of being pregnant for 9 months, playing host to some little fetus-parasite eating all of my food, sounds absolutely, 100% terrible.

on top of all of that pregnancy torture (which my father assures me is a "magical time." yeah right. way to put an idiotic male perspective on things, dad, you selfish stag of a being, you), my father expects me to sacrifice my selfish-youth years and settle down soon. now listen here, daddy-o. just because you got yo bitch knocked up at 28, doesn't mean that i have to pop out no babies anytime soon.

do you ever wonder why you don't see amy winehouse knocked up and birthing babies?! its because she knows she loves her partying/drugging ways too much to give them up for some screaming mini-amy that wails all through the night. and as much as i hate to compare myself to as severe a train wreck as amy winehouse, i can relate.

i'm ok with with this whole motherhood aspect, but there is no way in hell i could deal with having a child at this stage in my life. in fact, there are times that i worry i might tie up, strangle and skin-with-a-dull-kitchen-knife and stuff my cat, so the thought of being responsible for a real human person is somewhat terrifying for me. moreover, those little "tiny" babies are HUUGE and pushed out through some super duper small little vagina hole the size of a pea. mmmkay! that is sooooooooo not happening. AND THEN, these knocked up chicks go and crap their pants!! in front of hot drs like george clooney!!! like, wtf, man?!?!

anyway, now that adoption has become the chic thing to do in hollwood, i'm hapy to announce that i've forgone the whole vagina-baby-option and selected instead to adopt a 12 year-old child from the mean streets of fresno. were it not for my kind and overly-generous contribuiton, little adolph would be a full-blown KKK Grand Dragon. thanks to my parenting efforts, al (as we like to call him), has fourished. he's been going to school three days a week, and nearly made me weep tears of joy last night when he looked at me with his big blue eyes and said, "mommy, i think i'll go to community college one day." sigh - he's such a dreamer! i guess moments like those are what makes parenthood worthwhile.

No comments: