call for entires: grown-up science fair

thanks to my new favorite time-waster (and, indirectly, E, who introduced me to this totally addicting feature), stumbleupon (seriously, check it out: http://www.stumbleupon.com/)
i recently discovered a website that listed a series of ridiculous and inane science fair projects enacted by kids who are obviously desperate for a passing grade (wii exercise as a science fair project??!? an experiment "testing" the effect music has on teenagers having sex?!?! seriously, are we entering another dark ages?!). i instantly remembered my own feeble attempts at a science fair project: how do different types of fish interact with each other (a shameless ploy to get more fish. i had a pet fish that i won in a carnival, who lived for like 18 years, and i was desperate to get fishy friends for dear old SWAT)? what happens if you bake cookies without using one ingredient in each batch (a shameless attempt to make and eat cookies. i was kinda a fatty.)?

it occurred to me that many children, when faced with the good ole' science fair project, desperately grasp at straws in the quest for an easy, fun, easy, not-boring, easy, and interesting project for their science fairs. well, adults, get your glue sticks and glitter letters ready, because i've decided to enact an ADULT SCIENCE FAIR!! yay!!!!!!!!! contain your enthusiasm, people!!! lets pretend, for just one moment, that we are all assigned a science fair project; what would you do? if adults, like children, want to spend as little time and energy as possible on a science project (seriously, can you blame the kids for putting forth such half-assed efforts? homework sucks!), what would an adult science project look like? here are a few of my ideas:
  • title: how long can a human go without masturbating? problem: how long can an adult go without touching him/herself? hypothesis: as discussed in the infamous seinfeld episode, pretty much everyone masturbates, pretty much 90% of the time. materials: lube, napkins, calculators. procedure: open and frank discussion with friends over many bottles of wine. hilarity ensues. data: everyone does it, 90% of the time. analysis of data: everyone does it. conclusion: people are pervs.
  • title: how many beers can one person drink before they fall over? problem: after a certain amount of alcohol is consumed, can an adult human still stand? hypothesis: after 2 classy six packs, humans of average size will fall over. larger humans (fatties?) will be able to consume more alcohol before collapsing. procedure: drinking many beers. no one keeps count, because everyone is drunk. data: the amount of alcohol one consumes is commensurate with body weight. analysis of data: fat people can drink more. conclusion: everyone who drinks beer is an alcoholic and could fall over (breaking through a glass pane window that needs to be fixed within 24 hours before your roommate comes home) at any time.
  • title: is it better to pay your credit card bill or your phone bill? problem: many young professionals (and those pretending to be professional) find themselves in a financial stalemate. if forced to choose between paying your credit card bill or your phone bill, which do you choose? hypothesis: desperate young adults are terrified about becoming ensconced in bad debt, and will therefore choose to pay the credit card bill. procedure: a six-month study revolving around the impoverished mid-20s adults who did not go to (graduate. i WENT. i just didn't FINISH, k peeps?!?!) law school, and observing whether they choose to pay a phone bill or a credit card bill when financially strapped. data: the majority of adults pay their cell phone bill when push comes to shove. analysis of data: this is likely due to the fact that people would rather die than go without cell phones. conclusion: cell phones are god.
so, friends, if you were forced to do a science project tomorrow, what would you do? which scientific endeavor would you pursue?!?! leave me a comment letting me know... i'm desperate for an experiment here or there...


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