the super-smarties at NASA are offering everyday people like you and me a chance to help develop a better understanding of what happens to our bodies in anti-gravity environments like space. great! what do we have to do? oh, nothing really... just spend 90 days in bed.
ok, now i realize that spending 90 days in bed isn't exactly on par with waterboarding at guantanamo bay, but that just sounds like complete hell to me. i mean, i love my bed. it's soft and comfy and lord knows i spend plenty of time lounging on it like a princess, but 90 days??!? that's 3 months, people! that's 1/4 of your entire year spent in bed - and not in the fun way (wink wink)! participants in the study will be fed a balanced diet and go through a variety of tests over the course of the 90 days, which really only makes this sound less appealing to me. if NASA approached me to spend 90 days in bed as part of their study, they'd better be offering pizza and beer, and there sure as hell better not be any poking and prodding with a needle.
now, there's clearly no chance in hell that i would ever truly consider doing something as ridiculous as spending 90 days in bed, but here are a few tests that i would consider being a part of for our nation:
1. the "what happens if you eat only ice cream" study. in this study, designed to test the effects of an entirely-dairy based diet, participants are given as much ice cream as they can possibly stomach for a week (even i couldn't handle eating nothing but ice cream for more than a week). at the completion of the study, subjects are given a magic pill that dissolves all of the fat from ice cream that is now accumulated in their bodies. sign me up.
2. the "save the environment by walking everywhere" study. in this study, participants give up their cars for 1 month. i would totally do this study! unfortunately, i live in los angeles, which is like the biggest mess of urban planning ever, so i probably wouldn't go too far. i'd just make everyone chauffeur me around everywhere instead. come pick me up, bitches!
3. the "psychological effects of wearing all black all the time" study. in this study, participants would wear all black, all the time, and scientists would study the psychological effects of wearing such a dark hue nonstop. now, i loooove me some black clothes. every time i go shopping, i find myself saying, "that's cute! i wish they had it in black!" i also color-coordinate my closet, more than half of which is black. my nickname in junior high was even "queen of darkness" because i wore so much black (i swear i wasn't a scary goth kid. i had like 8 black skirts though, and let me tell you - nothing is cuter than a little black on black). as for the psychological effects of wearing black? i can tell you right now: participants would think they were hot. black is slimming and flattering, and everyone looks better once they're back in black!
4. the "give rachel morgan money and see how she spends it" study. in this study, one participant, rachel morgan, would get lots and lots of money from various donors, and we will study the various methods with which the participant uses the money. i am currently in the process of trying to get this study off the ground, and i'm looking for sponsors to supply financial support. if interested, please email: email@example.com.
i'll keep checking back with NASA to see if/when these studies are offered. if you're a crazy person and want to apply for the NASA bed rest study, check it out here: http://www.bedreststudy.com/Bedrest.aspx