bad fortune!

now, i claim to be no expert on chinese culture, but i'm pretty confident in saying that i know my way around one chinese delicacy in particular: the fortune cookie. legend has it that fortune cookies were born as a method of hiding some military secret or something from the mongols in a lotus nut paste cake (which, obviously, mongols don't eat?). i'm a little fuzzy on those details because i can't be bothered to read the "history of fortune cookies" website thoroughly, so i'm just going to make up my own legend. fortune cookies are a 500 zillion year-old tradition in china dating back to the paleozoic era, during the height of the ming dynasty. one day, emperor 大明國 was craving a delish dessert, but his wife wouldn't make him one because she was a hag. instead, a beautiful young girl sent him a tiny folded cookie with a piece of paper inside. the paper read, "call me, emperor 大明國. you're a hot bitch. xo! 443.2347.9737." ta-da! the birth of the fortune cookie!

anywwaaaaay, i went to lunch today with momma and poppa b, and we enjoyed a super delish chinese meal at our favorite local spot. we ate until we were stuffed, then sat back, drinking tea and waiting for everyone's favorite dessert, the fortune cookie. finally, they came!!! we each took one, cracking it open with the delight of a child on christmas morning! what would mine say?? poppa b's said something about having untapped talents (i suggest he try either belly dancing or kickboxing. a former aroebicizer like poppa b is a natural for either), and mine said, "you are the most gifted, talented and beautiful woman on the face of the planet, and your suitors ought to battle to the death to win the hand of such a lovely and gracious goddess."

as we read our fortunes aloud, momma b sat in silence, looking dejected. "what's yours say, mom?" i asked, whisking the slip of paper from her hand. i read it to myself, then burst out laughing. momma b looked even more crestfallen. it said: "innocence and time once lost can never be regained."

is it me, or is that the worst, most depressing fortune ever? it might as well have read, "you're old, sucka! and you're never gonna have fun again!" poor momma b said, "they should never give this fortune to a menopausal woman," and i hate to say it, but i agree. shouldn't a fortune make you feel happy? shouldn't it be vague and weirdly-worded enough to make even the most cynical customer say, "hmmm... maybe i should consider a career change?" or, "wow! this thing is right! i am charming and magnetic!" why would anyone ever want to end their meal with a fortune that left them feeling anything short of magical? well, apparently we're a world full of a-holes, so here are a few ideas of my own to go along with this "giving people bad fortunes" trend:

• could you maybe try to not be so ugly next time? it hurts to look at you.
• your ex girlfriend lied to you... it is the smallest she's ever seen.
• that sesame chicken you just ate? wasn't chicken.
• that is the fugliest shirt i've ever seen. next time, don't iron it until you're wearing it, loser.
• you look like an oompa loompa who got beaten up by a spaghetti-covered oscar the grouch on crack.
• you should really just give up on life now - you'll never pass the 4th grade, bobby.

that was just a smattering of ideas i've had floating around my head for a while. i've spent a lot of time thinking about them. particularly the part about ironing the shirt whilst wearing it. that would present a difficult challenge, wouldn't it? i mean, obviously, you'd burn yourself severely, but how would one ensure the creases were straight if they're wearing the shirt? i suppose they would do it in front of a mirror? have someone help them?

anywaaayyy, i welcome any ideas or comments of your own, so feel free to let me know if you have any bad fortunes you'd like to share. and don't worry. momma b, refusing to settle for her bad fortune, demanded two new fortune cookies. they were both pretty good for an old lady who has lost her innocence and will never regain the time that's passed!