cinco de celebrity

holas mis amigas! donde estas? me gusta britney spears mucho! arriba! la cucaracha!

now that my bastardization of the spanish language is out of the way, let me set the scene for you: it's cinco de mayo, and you're paris hilton. how do you celebrate this awesome booze-fueled holiday? at the hornitos party at crown bar in LA. how do i know? i was there too. here's the scoop:

i arrived at crown bar nice and early, ready to work the red carpet alongside E!, people magazine, star and in touch... and there i was, rachel morgan, holding a crappy microphone with a rubber band wrapped around it, hoping to get a celebrity interview for my magazine's radio show. before the celebs started walking the red carpet though, i snuck inside to interview some of my contacts for the radio show. the bar looked great, and there was no one there... except for samantha ronson, and, of course, lindsay lohan.

ok, so we all know that poor lilo has been through some tough times, and we also know there have been some wild rumors circling about lilo's relationship with sammy r, so i'm going to put them to rest: they are totalllllly banging. obviously, they weren't like making out all over the place or anything, but i am an expect at reading body language (um kyle and kim from ANTM cycle 5, i am SO onto you), and there is totally something going on between them. during the party, while sammy r was spinning some sweet tunes (she was actually a great DJ - i'm down with anyone who'll spin "you can leave your hat on."), she would turn to lilo and the two would share a signifigant glace. secondly, the media has been commenting that the two have been inseperable as of late, and you want to know why? because they are totallllllly doing it. how do i know? because when two girls date each other, that's what they do! there's a joke within the lesbian community that on the second date, lesbians bring a u-haul. well, from the looks of them, lilo and sammy r got the u-haul, unpacked their drugs from it, and now spend their time chain-smoking and making sex tapes. lilo is totallllly tapping sammy r's ass!

anyway, by the time i was back on the red carpet, joel madden, nicole richie's babydaddy, was there posing for the photogs. he's super short and kinda dweeby looking, but i must say - he was incredibly nice! as i stood there with my little microphone and recorder, he still took the time to talk to me, and was gracious throughout. joel, i love you.

joel's brother benji wasn't too far behind, but he barely did any interviews and just posed for a few pics before heading into the party. and, of course, no hollywood party is complete without benji's practically-attached gf, paris hilton. sigh. paris, paris, paris. there's so much to say about you! i've seen paris in person before, and i will repeat what i said about her the first time, even though it pains me to do so. as dumb and annoying and whoreish and spoiled as paris is, she is actually incredibly pretty in person (even with her wonky eye!). while others walked the red carpet, paris strutted the red carpet, posing in a way that conveyed an attitude saying, "i'm so fabulous, yet, i'm so generous and kind to stop and let the peasants photograph me!" of course, paris did not make her way to my end of the red carpet for a quick interview; instead, she whisked inside and immediately got on her cell phone. she stood in the doorway, coyly hiding from the photographers, giggling on the phone like a vapid teenager.

after the red carpet frenzy died down, my fellow members of the media and i hurried inside to grab a margarita and spy on celebrities. i quickly befriended a girl who works for an unnamed gossip publication as an undercover reporter, and she told me about the time she was paid to follow britney spears around in hawai'i and report on everything brit brit did (OMG if this were a few months ago and brit brit was still a crazy whoreish mess showing her vagina all over town, she might have been at this party and i would have DIED. LOVE HER.). we made a few laps around the small bar, during which i observed:
  • paris and benji sitting at a booth with nicky hilton and david katzenberg. nicky, who apparently thinks she's above the law, smoked a cigarette inside (this is california, and that shizzz is super-illegal here, yo.), and paris practically sat in benji's lap. i actually went to high school with david katzenberg, and i must say - he was way cuter in the 11th grade. ick. also, nicky hilton - put down that freaking cigarette and eat a burrito, girl. you've got some seriously SCARY looking legs going on, skeletor.
  • lilo and sammy r took a few smoke breaks together to the back patio (unlike SOME celebs, they follow the law *cough cough nicky hilton cough*), and although i couldn't be bothered to try to eavesdrop, i did check out what lilo was drinking - and i saw nothing but evian. good little lesbo lohan!
  • lauren conrad and lo bosworth were apparently there as well. however, anything related to the hills makes me want to jab myself in the eyeball with a hot poker, so i don't care.
  • people in LA are freaking crazy. one girl wore a "dress" that was definitely a shirt, margaritas flowed like rainwater, and my new celeb-spy friend offered me coke as we took a trip to the bathroom together. i politely declined, and she said, "i wouldn't normally offer it to people, but i like you!" i felt flattered?

being the jaded native los angeleno that i am, i quickly tired of the celebrity-ness of the hollywood scene and departed, happily, away from all of the glitz and glamour of hollywood and back into the safe - and sometimes shitty - valley (818 fo life, bitches.). as i think back on the night and various other celbrity run-ins, one thing becomes painfully clear to me: celebrities really are just like us. so the next time you look enviously at paris hilton's life and bemoan, "why can't i be an heiress?" tell yourself, "at least i'm not a moron," and picture poor paris taking a poop. you know she does it.

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