stalker school 101

it has come to my attention recently that a large portion of the general public is in severe need of being educated on stalker technique and etiquette. far too often, i see a stalker get caught, hung up on, cursed out, slapped, kicked out, and even arrested. stalkers of the world, take heed! rachel morgan is here to the rescue with her patented "6 Steps to Stalker Success." follow these simple guidelines and you'll be stalking better than ever!

step one - who is a stalker?
anyone can be a stalker! yes, even you with your gimpy leg, snaggle tooth and smells-like-a-skunk-died-and-shat-in-your-armpit BO! worried about your boyfriend's wandering eye? you can stalk him! tired of fantasizing about that girl with the great ass at the gym? stalk her! met a great girl in a chatroom, but worried about meeting her face-to-face? it's time to turn off the computer, grab some night vision goggles, put on a mask to hide all that hideousness, and START STALKING! all it takes is a little confidence! you can be a stalker - and a great one at that! if you work hard enough, focus, and train every day, you could even become a stalker superstar.

step two - what should i stalk?
well, since we already know that anyone can be a stalker, doesn't it make sense that anyone/thing can be a stalkee?! while most stalkers prefer to stalk someone with whom they come into contact during their daily lives, there is a growing trend within the stalker community to stalk celebrities. although this is a hot fad right now, i must urge burgeoning stalkers to leave the big name stalkees to experienced and professional stalkers. if you're just getting started in the world of stalking, but aspire to obsess, agonize over and stalk britney spears (been there, done that... trust me, the hot tranny mess is worth it. you're my girl, brit!), i suggest that you start with a D or C list celebrity, like breckin meyer (scoff not: his career may be on a decline these days, but remember how cute he was as the slacker skater in clueless?), or tara reid (but if you choose tara as your subject, please keep in mind that the paparazzi love her and are constantly trying to snap pictures of her pissed-drunk and vomiting in her purse, or gallivanting on the beach and showing off her freakish stomach). start with the little fish, and you'll be tackling the sharks in no time flat.

step three - when can i stalk?
traditionally, stalking is a nighttime activity. the most important (and surprisingly tricky for newbie stalkers) reason we stalkers prefer to chase our prey under the veil of darkness is that it is harder to see a stalker during the night than during the day. lost? allow me to explain: imagine that you are your target... you silently and seductively undress in your bedroom at night, peeling layer after layer of your catholic school girl uniform off. suddenly, you hear a noise outside the window; you look, but only see tree branches swaying in the night. relieved, you begin to stretch and rub oil all over your naked body in front of the window. now lets flip the scenario to daytime: you're still undressing, but this time when you hear a noise and look out the window, you see a man, standing behind the tree, videotaping your every move. ten minutes later, another stalker bites the dust (shout out to my homey, ben, who was dumb enough to be caught during the day! we will stalk again when you're out of jail, buddy!).

step four - where can i stalk?
the beauty of stalking is that it's a hobby that can be practiced almost anywhere. you can stalk on the phone, you can stalk on the street (following your target as they go about their day-to-day lives is a great way to get exercise while you stalk!), and thanks to modern technology, you can even stalk on the internet! social networking websites like facebook and myspace have become increasingly popular stalking stomping grounds in recent years, and offer a safe forum for beginner stalkers to refine their skills. with just a few clicks of the mouse, stalkers can find out personal information, the subject's likes and dislikes (which are particularly important if the stalker is harboring romantic feelings for the stalkee. a friend of mine once wooed a lover by stalking her on facebook and when he found out the target was a yoga aficionado, went to every yoga studio in the city until he found her there. they do their downward facing dogs together now. if that's not a classic love story, i don't know what is.), and enough photos to jerk off to for weeks!

step five - why do i stalk?
simply put, everyone stalks for different reasons. some of us are obsessively in love with the target, others passionately hate their prey and stalk in hopes of finding the key to their destruction (you may not know this, but the famed evil mastermind skeletor fell into this category. he stalked he-man, constantly seeking his weakness, but never prevailed due to he-man's indestructible pecs and loincloth woven from jesus' hair). personally, my stalking tends to be motivated by a narcissistic belief that i'm entitled to transform whomever i want into a friend or lover. that's pretty much how every relationship i've ever had has started, and it's why i'm confident that within two weeks, my current target will be mine. yes... all mine.

step six - how do i stalk?
every stalker needs to discover his or her own signature technique in order to make the most out of their time spent tailing the target. my friend MG prefers to use the internet to do her celeb stalking (she is particularly gifted; i've never met someone so committed to getting the information she needs!), while my friend CQ once memorized her prey's schedule and happened to "bump into" him around every corner. i try to attack from all fronts by doing some digging online and by initiating physical contact with my target. just be confident, thorough, careful, and follow these lessons; you'll be sniffing tom cruise's panties in a jiffy!

i hope you found this lesson informative, my stalker students! now, stalk on!

xo!